Image: courtesy of Tech Affair
‘Do you talk during sex? Do you like to be talked to during sex? What do you say or what do you like to hear? Does it excite you or does it turn you off?’
Words. They have the ability to steal the breath more effectively than a cane, settle beneath the skin more deeply than the thud of a flogger, bind and hold us more firmly than any rope.
When I saw that this was the topic prompt for this week’s Wicked Wednesday, I was thrilled (superb suggestion, Lord Raven). Why? Well, words are a huge (huge) part of my personal kink.
Sex, for me, is rarely silent. It’s always better when there’s verbal communication going on, because, in my opinion, while our bodies generally give our partners a pretty good idea as to whether we’re enjoying ourselves (or not), the right words have the ability to elevate and texture an exchange in a way that nothing else can. They give the speaker and the listener the opportunity to further engage the senses, to fall more fully into an experience and connect more deeply with one another. Over time, I’ve come to understand that I actually need the verbal element in order to reach the places that I find most satisfying. I don’t mean that I require a constant stream of words and chatter to orgasm. Far from it. Rather, that a few choice words and phrases have the ability to elevate sex or a D/s exchange to a whole other level. Put simply, my brain needs to be engaged for me to be aroused and language plays a massive part in its stimulation.
It can’t just be any old dirty talk, mind you; the verbal cues I like are very specific and they all play into other aspects of my sexual personality and kinks. A set of instructions, orders, requirements, quiet threats; a commentary of what I look like in a particularly vulnerable position or perhaps following a perverted set of directions; name-calling. If the words have anything to do with control, objectification and debasement then, yeah, I’m pretty much a puddle of mush in my OH’s hands. There. I said it. I’m not sure why, but it took me a fair amount of time to admit, out loud to him, that explicit language, more specifically, derogatory explicit language, turned me on in a big, big way. That I was interested in far more than the standard ‘I’m going to f*ck you’ fare (which is all well and good but doesn’t really tap into anything for me psychologically). Is it because the things I like him to say would be completely unacceptable in an everyday situation? Maybe. I know that words can induce incredibly strong reactions, even when they’re on paper. (Check out the very unscientific Talk Dirty to Me experiment I conducted with four ‘vanilla’ readers last September.) Put it this way: it was far easier for me to come out and say ‘I’d like you to hit me with a crop’ than it was to say ‘It turns me on no end when you humiliate and debase me with words’.
It doesn’t work both ways, though. I’m not a talker. I would far rather be spoken to than speak to him during an exchange (although sometimes he insists that I articulate what I am feeling or wanting because he knows that it will add to the feelings of embarrassment). But I love to listen. Oh, man, do I love to listen.
Here is the important and most crucial, point, though. I am only okay with being spoken to in the way I’ve outlined by one person, and one person only. My other half. And only in the context of a sexual or D/s exchange (although, for us, the two are so closely linked they cannot be really be separated). If he, or anyone else called me a ‘whore’ or a ‘slut’ or any of the other words I like to hear in any other situation or context, believe me, you’d see and hear the nuclear explosion all the way from the North Pole. And perhaps that is why it took so long for me to confess the desire to be spoken to in this way. Words are extremely powerful things, but I finally understand that it’s okay to let myself explore, experience and enjoy them with someone I trust to know the difference between their use during sex/play and everyday life.
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I love this post! Love, love, love. Especially your last two paragraphs could have been written by me! Thank you so much for getting those words out there
Rebel xox
Aw, thanks Marie. It took me a while to get my head around context but now that I have it’s like being a kid in a sweet shop. So many dirty words, so many possibilities …
*blushes* thank you. It has been my curiosity for many a year as to how do others “talk dirty”. I can see what your saying and indeed if someone came up to my other half and called her a whore she would laugh in their face or slap them, I do it and its all good, because she is my whore.
Excellent post and thank you for sharing
This has been such a fascinating topic. I, too, have always been intrigued by what others do (or don’t) when between the sheets (or other places!). Thank you again for suggesting such a great Wicked Wednesday prompt. Jane xxx
Wonderfully written! The dark things that me and my man say to each other can only be said between the pair of us also.
~Mia~ xx
Dark whispers are grand, aren’t they?
Ditto, ditto, ditto!!
Ah ha, Ms Savill. I love knowing that I have another dirty listener in crime! Jane xxx
I like how you describe what it does for you. I am aural in that I appreciate sounds and timbres of voice rather than the actual words but I can see what you mean
~Kazi xxx
You’re so right, Kazi. The delivery – the tone, the pace, the volume – are so important. I always find that the best threats and dark promises are the ones that are quietly whispered. It just seems to make them that much more sinister …
… compost, gravel, silt…Brilliant!