Monthly Archives: September 2012

28

Sheds, Shelves and Shame: the best of the Fifty Shades parodies

‘Reader, I buggered him.’

 

Talk about an alternative ending to a classic. I never imagined Jane Eyre as a Domme, but now I can’t stop thinking about her pegging Mr Rochester.

 

It isn’t easy to write a good parody; limp jokes and tawdry puns abound – and many are about as entertaining as watching cement set – but in this post-Fifty Shades world, they’re being churned out left, right and centre as people try to cash in on the badly-written-BDSM-erotica revolution. Standing tall amidst the forest of downloadable dross, however, are three works of comedy that are absolute masterclasses in how to take the mick out of awful prose. Shenanigans with Thousand Island dressing, rimming the Black Gate of Mordor, and romantic nights at the Holiday Inn: will Fifty Sheds of Grey, Fifty Shelves of Grey and Fifty Shames of Earl Grey please stand up? Continue reading →

27

Talk dirty to me

Words have a lot of power. They can move us to tears, make us laugh, shock the hell out of us, make us happy. They can also turn us on.

Lately, I’ve noticed that increasing numbers of female erotica and erotic romance writers are using flowery euphemisms less and what we would traditionally have considered ‘baser’, masculine terms more. We all have different tastes, obviously, but I’m curious to know whether our comfort levels as female readers are changing. In text, are we now more able to embrace words that, say, five or ten years ago had the power to shock us? And do they invoke feelings of arousal or have we simply become desensitised by the rise in their use?

The feminist Germain Greer said in the BBC’s Balderdash and Piffle series, which originally aired back in 2006, that the word ‘cunt’ was ‘one of the few remaining words in the English language with a genuine power to shock.’ Is this still true six years down the line? (I did consider titling this post ‘Cunt: when is it appropriate?’ but decided that the word, when used blatantly and without context, would likely be a barrier to people reading any further into this piece. Which tells me straight away that I, personally, have attached some degree of stigma to it even though I consider myself fairly comfortable with ‘cunt’ in the context of erotic writing.) I also have to wonder if the success of E.L. James’ Fifty Shades of Grey is due to its rather chaste language. Sure, we get some non-vanilla toys and some alternative sex practices, but how many times do we get to hear about Anastasia’s ‘down there’ during the course of the story? I’m not saying that you have to use crude words to write good sexual content – look at John Cleland’s Fanny Hill – but do we, as women, have a fear of using certain words in the bedroom? Continue reading →

26

Sex with your iPhone, Erotica re-launch, and self-publishing

A sex app, the re-birth of Erotica U.K., and using social media to help promote eBooks. Hope you enjoy this week’s link round-up.

 

Synchronized iPhone Sex Toy Makes Long Distance Relationships Even More Awkward

Source: http://betabeat.com/ 

You can now have sex with your mobile. No, your iPhone 5 hasn’t suddenly sprouted an appendage (or a tunnel-like recess); rather LovePalz, a U.S. company, has invented an app for your phone that controls their own-brand sex toys. Per their website:

 

LovePalz is a brand new concept of motion sensing technology that aims to create physical feelings as real as possible in virtual sex experience. It can simulate your actions and cause physical contact over internet in real time. Through our service, you and your lover each hold one device and as long as you remain connected to the internet, the device automatically senses your actions and conveys them to your partner’s toy! In short, how you use it is simultaneously reflected on your lover’s toy, physically! bringing you and your lover together even when you are miles apart.

 

For crying out loud, people. Really? What happened to good old-fashioned phone sex and inappropriate Instagram pictures? As Beta Beat’s Jessica Roy aptly points out: ‘It’s almost like you’ll never have to have sex with a real person again. Thanks, LovePalz!’ And don’t even get me started on the narcissistic sex toy names, ‘Zeus’ and ‘Hera’. Greek gods indeed. It’s all thunder and pomegranates until your 3G connection craps out at a critical moment. Continue reading →

25

This story is about a little vibrator. Her name is Gigi

What we used: Gigi rechargeable G-Spot vibrator
From: LELO
Price: £53.90 – £69.00 (depending on retailer)
Material(s): Body safe silicone (main shaft) and plastic (base)

 

Do good things come in small packages? Lizzie shares her thoughts on Gigi, LELO’s rechargeable G-Spot vibrator, who she’s been getting to know for a while now.

 

First thoughts …

Lizzie
As you may know from reading my A not-so-Happy Rabbit review, I’ve been using vibrators – alone and with Thomas – for quite some time. But Gigi was a bit of a departure for me because, at the time I bought this little G-Spot gem, it represented a number of firsts. One, it was made by LELO, a brand I’d not tried before. Two, it wasn’t a rabbit (and up until Gigi’s arrival, all my vibes had ears). Three, it was the smallest vaginal vibrator I had ever purchased. Gigi was a bit of stab-in-the-dark, to be perfectly frank; I’d just divorced my latest rabbit – things hadn’t worked out between us – and I was desperate to find a vibrator I enjoyed using again. Continue reading →

24

Scarlet – A.C. Gaughen

Title: Scarlet
Author: A.C. Gaughen
Publisher: Bloomsbury (07 June 2012)
ISBN: 978-1408819760

This fresh and clever re-telling of the Robin Hood legend, is easily one of the best books I’ve read this year. I stumbled upon Scarlet quite by accident – it came up as part of a random search I was doing on Goodreads – and the stylish jacket and high reader ratings were enough to make me buy it on the spot.

In this case, judging the book by its cover was entirely appropriate. Scarlet has all the things I would expect in an action-based romance – a great plot, a terrific hero, a horrid villain, moments of suspense – but what makes this book really stand out is the author’s unexpected twist on the character of Will Scarlet, who, as you may have gathered from the book’s title, appears in the staring role. A.C. Gaughen, quite uniquely, makes Will a ‘she’ rather than a ‘he’. Continue reading →

21

Sci-fi sex toys, shed porn, and Maya Banks

My schedule has been a little off these past few days, so the regular Chintz link round-up is a bit later than usual – apologies. However, I hope you’ll agree it’s worth the wait – this week I’ve been alerted to the David the Werewolf dildo (yes, you read that correctly), erotica for the not-too-modern male, and a new Maya Banks trilogy.

 

Werewolf beats all: Interview with the CEO of fantasy sex toy site Bad Dragon (NSFW)
Source: San Francisco Bay Guardian Online

Secretly wish you could have sex with an orc? Well prepare yourself. This article looks at Bad Dragon (NSFW), a U.S. company that creates sex toys based on sci-fi and fantasy characters. The editorial is great – especially the link to their digital edition flowchart to help you decide which sci-fi penis is for you – but the bit that really amused me? The interview with company founder and CEO, Varka, who insists on talking about himself in the third person. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, Bad Dragon’s most popular make-believe appendages include David the Werewolf, Natascha the Anthro Husky, and Bruiser the Fusion.

I have a husband who likes Lord of the Rings. I’m officially scared. Continue reading →

20

The Garden of Earthly Delights – an erotic tale (part ten)

Finally! I’ve managed to complete the latest episode of the The Garden of Earthly Delights. I realise it’s been a while since I posted part nine, so if you’ve forgotten where we’re up to, a very quick recap …

Since their disastrous scene in part one, which resulted in Grace running out of Nick’s house half-naked, the pair of have – in spite of Grace’s reluctance – been doing a bit of talking. Nick, with some judicious blackmail, has managed to manoeuvre Grace into having dinner with him and at the end of part nine, the latter was coming to some uncomfortable realisations about herself. In this episode, things … start to heat up a little.

PS: I know that the dress and stockings in this episode pic aren’t a perfect match for Grace’s attire in this scene, but the grip He has on the fabric? Well, read on and you’ll see what I mean …

 

THE GARDEN OF EARTHLY DELIGHTS – PART TEN

 

Watching Grace struggle with her feelings was almost painful. Inebriated by conflicting emotions, she was wobbling left and right like a drunkard attempting to walk in a straight line. Nick could clearly see the war she was waging with herself and by default, him, playing out across her face.

He forced himself to pick up his cutlery and continue eating, giving her the space she clearly needed to calm herself and absorb the impact of his words.

The silence between them stretched, the only sounds the low hum of conversation generated by the other diners and the distant clattering of pots and plates in the restaurant kitchen.

Three minutes. Five minutes. Ten minutes. Continue reading →

18

Seduced in the Dark – C.J. Roberts

Title: Seduced in the Dark: The Dark Duet (Volume 2)
Author: C.J. Roberts
Publisher: Neurotica Books (30 August 2012)
ISBN: 978-0615680040

dark
adjective
1. with little or no light
2. (of a colour or object) not reflecting much light; approaching black in shade
3. (of a period or situation) characterised by great unhappiness or unpleasantness
4. hidden from knowledge; mysterious

noun
1. (the dark) the absence of light in a place
2. a dark colour or shade, especially in a painting

I have picked through the above definitions numerous times, trying to decide which one best reflects C.J, Roberts’ Seduced in the Dark, but it’s virtually impossible, because they all apply. It is a story with the barest glimmer of light visible at the end of a long, dark tunnel. A story with a plot that borders on pitch black. A story with characters and situations that twist your stomach. A story that, perversely, arouses you and mere seconds later makes you want to weep. A story of secrets. And, yes, I realise that the title refers to the noun form of the word ‘dark’ but the adjective is equally relevant, equally valid, when describing the fabric of this book. Similarly, I cannot help but pick apart the meaning of the title word ‘seduce’ and ponder its relationship to the story: ‘to attract someone to a belief or course of action that is inadvisable or foolhardy’. Because who is ultimately seduced in and by this murky tale? The characters, the reader, or both? Continue reading →

17

Time in the Garden

Some of you may be wondering when the next instalment of The Garden of Earthly Delights is coming. I promise, it is in the works – I’ve just struggled to find the time to write more episodes over the past couple of weeks. (It’s turning out to be much bigger project than I originally anticipated and it’s been virtually impossible to find a decent chunk of time to sit down and devote some headspace to Nick and Grace.) More book reviews are on the way, though – amongst them, C.J. Roberts’ much anticipated Seduced in the Dark, sequel to Captive in the Dark, and A.C. Gaughen’s outstanding Scarlet. Lizzie and Thomas are busy, too: they’re currently in possession of a wartenberg wheel from Bondara, so will no doubt be furnishing me with their thoughts on that in the not too distant future. Continue reading →

13

C is for clitoris, C is for clip

 

What we used: Clitoral clip/clitoral clamp
From: Sh! Women’s Erotic Emporium
Price: £6.00
Material(s): metal (unspecified), fabric (unspecified), plastic (unspecified)

Earlier this week, we reviewed Japanese clover nipple clamps. Today, Lizzie ventures below the waist with a clit clip from Sh! Women’s Erotic Emporium.

First impressions …

Lizzie
As you probably gathered from my last Toy Box post, I particularly enjoy the sensation of clamped nipples, so taking things a little lower was a logical progression for me. I also quite like the idea of clitoral decoration but am too much of a chicken to get anything pierced, so a clit clip seemed like a nice compromise.

This particular clip is an own-brand item from Sh! Women’s Erotic Emporium and arrives without an extraneous branding; the packaging is simple, utilitarian and, accordingly, female-friendly. (Unlike the clover clamps I reviewed recently, there’s no porn star displaying the clip in a raunchy pose, or laugh-out-loud back-of-box-copy talking about ‘excitement areas’.)

The clit clamp itself is very simple in design – a 6.5 centimetre (2.56 inch) metal clip that looks very much like an oversized hairpin with two strings of pink plastic beads, each measuring 4 centimetres (1.57 inches) attached to its looped ends. It’s very unintimidating, to be perfectly frank – no springs, screws or sliding parts – and looks like something you’d keep in your jewellery rather than your toy box. Weight-wise, the clit clip is very light, tipping the scales at a mere three grams, so there’s no need to worry that you’re going to be trying to accommodate something the size of a Christmas decoration between your legs. Continue reading →