I’m frustrated.

The Internet, for the first time ever it seems, is letting me down. I want a dirty night away with my other half. And do you think I can find a hotel that fits the bill? That would be a resounding ‘No’.

There’s nothing better than some time alone with a partner, away from the stresses of work and family life. It gives you the opportunity to focus solely on each other and remember ‘who you are’ as a couple – something that’s very easy to forget when you’re both exhausted from long hours in the office and bringing up young children. In fact, I’d go as far as to say one-on-one time is essential for a healthy and fulfilling relationship, especially post-kids. We adore ours more than anything but every once in a while it’s nice to just be with each other and talk about something other than homework and swimming lessons. To play a game doesn’t involve getting four counters of the same colour in a row or extracting plastic snot from a buzzing hospital patient. To not have to remember to bolt the bedroom door and keep the noise down when we’re having sex. To let ourselves go.

So, my husband and I have a very rare opportunity to abscond together. We can actually stay out past ten o’clock – something that happens once in a blue moon as we live in rural England and getting to a metropolis of any size takes at least an hour. And with no relatives who can be drafted in for a lengthy session of childcare within a commutable distance, a night alone, just us, is like gold dust.

My perfect night away? Good food, some sexy entertainment, and a nice – non-seedy! – place to stay that leans towards the erotic. I don’t think that’s too tall an order myself but it seems that finding all these things within shouting distance of one another is really quite difficult. The first two items on my shopping list aren’t too hard to manage but the last? Tricky. Very tricky. There are lots of lovely hotels out there but it’s virtually impossible to find one with a lusty edge. Endless Google searches have revealed an article written by The Independent way back in 2004 on ‘sexy hotels’ (themed rooms that are extortionately expensive and/or have ‘minimum stay’ periods), loads of ‘romantic’ hotel suggestions (lovely but boring), and ‘tips for a dirty weekends’ (uh, I think I can remember to remove the hair from my legs but thanks for the reminder). At the other end of the ‘nights away for adults’ search spectrum, I have unearthed loads of results for swinger-friendly establishments. Now I have no problem with swinging per se but it’s not our personal kink and therefore doesn’t interest me in the slightest. Just because I want a night of debauched sex doesn’t automatically mean I want it with people other than my husband. It’s like going from the sublime to the ridiculous. Surely there’s a middle ground?

In the past, we’ve had brilliant evenings at burlesque supper clubs, drinks at sexy bars, followed by lovely shags in luxurious hotel rooms. But I’d like to end the night somewhere different. In a location that helps us make the most of any prior titillation and flirtation we’ve indulged in. Somewhere with some decent, strategically placed mirrors and lovely lighting. Perhaps with a good selection of erotic books or films on the nightstand. Maybe a menu of room service items that doesn’t include peanuts and Diet Coke. Does such a nirvana exist?

Well, it maybe does. I’ll let you know if I find it.