Monthly Archives: August 2012

31

Dirty weekend

I’m frustrated.

The Internet, for the first time ever it seems, is letting me down. I want a dirty night away with my other half. And do you think I can find a hotel that fits the bill? That would be a resounding ‘No’.

There’s nothing better than some time alone with a partner, away from the stresses of work and family life. It gives you the opportunity to focus solely on each other and remember ‘who you are’ as a couple – something that’s very easy to forget when you’re both exhausted from long hours in the office and bringing up young children. In fact, I’d go as far as to say one-on-one time is essential for a healthy and fulfilling relationship, especially post-kids. We adore ours more than anything but every once in a while it’s nice to just be with each other and talk about something other than homework and swimming lessons. To play a game doesn’t involve getting four counters of the same colour in a row or extracting plastic snot from a buzzing hospital patient. To not have to remember to bolt the bedroom door and keep the noise down when we’re having sex. To let ourselves go. Continue reading →

30

Do TheyFit? The new frontier: custom-fitted condoms

What we used: TheyFit custom-fitted condoms
From: TheyFit
Price:  £6.99 for a pack of six
Material(s): Latex

Custom-fitted suits? Pfft. So last year. You can now buy condoms tailored to the length and width of your penis. Thomas gets the opportunity to try out TheyFit’s unique ‘sized service’.

First thoughts …

Thomas
I have to admit that when Jane got in touch about trialling custom-fitted condoms, my first thought was ‘are they going to send someone round?’. I had visions of a seedy individual arriving on my doorstep with a tape measure and some chalk (or perhaps a roll of Clingfilm). Disturbing.

But as it turns out, there’s no bloke in a raincoat. You simply go to the TheyFit website (www.theyfit.com), print out a template, and use it to measure the width and girth of your todger. Armed with your vital statistics, you then submit your size code via TheyFit’s online ordering service and they send you one of 95 sizes, ranging from modest to bloody humungous (my words, not theirs). I’m intrigued … Continue reading →

29

Paid perving, re-vamped vaginas, and real submission

Last Wednesday, I published a selection of links that took you to some interesting articles and posts that I’d come across courtesy of email alerts. It proved to be quite popular, so I’m planning on doing one of these round-ups every week from now on. No strange sex toys in this edition, I’m afraid, but there is voyeurism, ‘like a virgin’ cream and submission …

 

This is how you do it!
Source: New York Post

Fancy a career in voyeurism? A New York man has managed to set up a business that pays him to observe others having sex. Eric Amaranth, who is described by the New York Post as ‘gangly and unassuming’ has cultivated a client base who are willing to pay him USD$175.00 an hour for a ‘talk session’ (one assumes the chat differs markedly from that in the pub on an average Friday night) and a whopping USD$240.00 an hour for a ‘guided session’, during which he ‘observes’ their performances and offers pointers. What I want to know is, what earns you an ‘F’ (‘That’s inappropriate use of that vibrator, madam’), and whether voyeurism will be offered as an undergraduate course at leading universities?  Continue reading →

28

Woohoo! Good clean fun?

What we used: woohoo! water-based intimate lubricant
From: Boots
Price:  £5.99 – £6.99 for a 50ml tube
Ingredient(s): Aqua (water), Cyamopsis tetragonolbus (Guar gum)*, Ceratonia siliqua (Locust bean gum)*, Aloe barbadensis leaf juice powder (Aloevera)*, Camellia sinensis (Green tea extract)*, Equisetem arvense (Horsetail extract)*, Carrageenan (Red seaweed extract), Phenoxyethanol, Potassium sorbate, Citric acid

*Organically grown ingredients.

Is organic better? Lizzie shares her thoughts on Soil Association-certified woohoo! lubricant.

First thoughts …

Lizzie
It’s very easy to get stuck in a lube rut. You find one, it makes things sufficiently slippery, job done. Thomas and I often use the same brand for months at a time and then, usually because the one we’re courting is out-of-stock at our supermarket (we tend to buy lube as part of our grocery shop), we switch and the cycle starts again. Occasionally, a new lube will catch my eye when I’m in the local pharmacy, generally because it has some sort of twist to it (‘cooling!’, ‘heating!’, etc.) and I’ll pick it up, but I’m fundamentally a simple girl and have discovered over time that I like my lube plain and simple – non-irritating, water-based and with a decent texture to it. If I want hot and cold, there are other things around the house the work just as well – but that’s another post entirely.

woohoo! is a bit of a departure from the status quo for me as I consider organic products a ‘nice to have’ rather than an essential – I don’t make a habit of buying them – but I do have to say that I’m not immune to the appeal of slathering a chemical-free substance on and inside myself. Continue reading →

24

The Garden of Earthly Delights – an erotic tale (part nine)

In the last Garden episode, Nick revealed a little more about himself: how he met Tristan, the Dom who helped him top Grace in part one, and why he doesn’t normally play with inexperienced subs. In this instalment, he and Grace are still at the dinner table – sorry, I can’t seem to get them away! – but the conversation is starting to get … interesting.

 

THE GARDEN OF EARTHLY DELIGHTS – PART NINE

Grace had never felt less like eating in her life. Normally, she loved her food but her brain was working a mile a minute, turning over everything that Nick had said to her, and all the thinking was killing her appetite. Ironically, now that they’d started talking she wasn’t sure she wanted to stop.

Grace forced herself to take a couple of bites of the lamb the waiter had recently delivered to their table. It was excellent, she noticed distractedly, but as soon as she’d swallowed her second mouthful she put her knife and fork down on the plate and asked the question that had been percolating since Nick had mentioned his acquaintance with Tristan.

‘How did you meet Caelan?’

Nick looked up from the piece of pink meat he was pushing through an artistically drizzled puddle of mint sauce.

‘I first got talking to him about six months ago. He used to live here in Winchester and go to the same club Tristan and I met at but he’s been in Dubai for a while on an engineering contract. He’s only recently moved back.’ Nick took a sip of his Peroni. ‘I don’t know him very well on a personal level, but like I explained when we first talked about doing what we did last night, he’s experienced. Much more so than me or Tristan. It’s the reason I asked him to be there. I thought it would be safer for both of us.’

Grace could feel herself blushing again. ‘I’m sorry it all went so–.’

‘Grace.’ Her name cracked out of in his mouth, sharp and brittle. ‘You will stop apologising.’

‘Okay. It’s just I really am s–’ She caught herself just in time, shoved another bite of lamb in her mouth and concentrated on chewing.

‘Did it bother you having Tristan and Caelan watch us?’ Continue reading →

23

From M/F/M to BDSM – the erotic alphabet

Letters. They have quite an important role in erotica and erotic romance book synopses. If you’re a seasoned reader of titles from these genres, you’ll know immediately what I’m talking about, but if Fifty Shades of Grey was your first foray into racy reading, you may be somewhat curious – or perhaps confused – as to what all the letters and acronyms you’re encountering in erotic book descriptions actually mean. Should you pay any attention to them? Are they important? Is there any difference between a book that has M/F/M listed in its description from one that has M/M/F?

In a word, yes. Many (but not all) erotica and erotic romance authors and publishers use letters and acronyms in online blurbs to give readers an idea of how the characters in their stories relate to one another sexually. And that’s important, because it lets you know what you’re getting yourself into before you start reading. Turned on by lesbian sex? Love the idea of a threesome? Behold, Chintz’s quick and dirty guide to the erotic alphabet … Continue reading →

22

Strange sex toys, a secretive author, and Fifty Shades of Grey meets Shakespeare

I love the Internet. It’s an endless river of information at my fingertips. A few quick key taps and I can find out about pretty much anything. But, lately, you know what I’ve really developed a thing for? Google Alerts. Having the ability to use words and phrases to throw up all sorts of news articles, blog posts, commentaries and clips that directly – and sometimes very tenuously – relate to things that interest me. So today, I thought I’d share some of the more intriguing Chintzy links that have arrived in my inbox, courtesy of GA, over the past week or so …

 

15 Real Sex Toys That Will Give You Nightmares
Source: http://www.cracked.com/

Dear God but this article from Cracked.com made my eyes bug out on stalks. I’m a pretty open-minded person but, boy, this post was a bit of an education. The title pretty much says it all and apparently, it’s a follow-on from the ‘most disturbing toys’ articles the author, Ian Fortey, wrote in 2008 and 2009.

The writing in this blog post is very funny and extremely witty – ensure you don’t have food or liquid in your mouth when reading because you will choke and/or spit them across the room – but a note of caution: if you’re easily offended or freaked out, steer clear. The article doesn’t feature any overt nudity or sex acts and there are a bunch of images that have been pixelated out in full to preserve your sanity but it’s still something of a trip. Favourite quote: ‘Finally, the sexual thrill of being a supermarket pork chop can be yours’. NSFW (Not Suitable for Work). Continue reading →

21

The Garden of Earthly Delights – an erotic tale (part eight)

Part eight is finally here; sorry it’s taken a while!

A quick recap, in case you’ve forgotten where we are in the story …

Nick has managed to nudge Grace into going for dinner with him so that they can talk about the botched D/s encounter we read about in part one. Will he succeed in convincing her to open up to him about what went wrong? And will she be brave enough – and trust Nick enough – to try again?

Missed a previous instalment? Here they are:

- Part one
- Part two
- Part three
- Part four
- Parts five and six
- Part seven

THE GARDEN OF EARTHLY DELIGHTS – PART EIGHT

 

Nick couldn’t seem to take his eyes off Grace as she sat opposite him. She looked beautiful in the flowery green dress she’d changed into and was quietly fidgeting in her seat taking nervous sips of her water. Every now and then, she’d worry a strand of hair from her ponytail and cast sideways glances at him. Her agitation radiated off her in waves and he could tell she just wanted to get the looming conversation out of the way. Other than touching Grace’s face earlier that morning, Nick had purposely avoided all physical contact with her, not wanting to make her any more jumpy than she already was but her obvious agitation prompted him to reach out and gently grasp her right hand, which had left her hair and was now fiddling with the butter knife on her side plate.

Grace immediately stilled at the contact and looked up at him.

‘Relax, Grace.’ He gave her hand a gentle squeeze. ‘Have you decided what you’re going to order?’

Grace jerked her eyes down to the open menu in front of her.

‘Uh, I’ll just have the lamb.’

‘You don’t want a starter?’

‘No, I don’t.’ She took a breath and he could see she was getting ready to say something.

He waited. Continue reading →

20

‘I’d like more … ‘ survey results

Back in July, we ran a poll asking what you’d like to see more of on Behind the Chintz Curtain. Interestingly, the results were very close, with an identical number of you voting for the two most popular options:

More Garden of Earthly Delights posts – 33.33%

An equal mix of all three – 33.33%

More book reviews – 22.22%

More Toy Box reviews – 11.11%

So, given your feedback it seems the current balance of posts is about right for now – albeit there’s a bit of a bias towards book and Garden entries. We’ll try and include a few more of these going forwards but we may also start introducing some new topics during August, too.

There’s more Garden on the way this week (unfortunately, I’m a bit behind on writing this as the 40 degree heat in Italy played havoc with my ability to do much beyond recline on a sun lounger like lady muck) and you’ll be pleased to know that Nick and Grace have actually made it to the dinner table …

Finally, I have something I’d like your help with. I’m curious to know how many of us actually have ‘toy boxes’. Have we finally moved past hiding things in our knicker drawers and, if so, what are we now keeping our playthings in? This may seem like a bit of a random question but I’m currently researching sex toy storage options and I’ll be publishing the results of my findings here on Chintz for you. (Don’t worry – the poll is completely anonymous, so if you click on one of the voting buttons we’re not going to know that it’s you who’s hiding your vibrator in the freezer or linen cupboard!)

 

 

17

Slave – Sherri Hayes

Title: Slave (Finding Anna)
Author: Sherri Hayes
Publisher: The Writer’s Coffee Shop Publishing House (27 July 2011)
ISBN: 978-1-61213-049-1

I’m beginning to realise that I have a bit of thing for the darker stuff. All of the books I’ve really enjoyed recently have had distinct edges to them; they’ve been the tales that don’t quite sit comfortably and stay with me for hours and days afterwards as I turn the actions of the characters over and over in my head.

Slave definitely falls into the murky category; as the title suggests, it’s not a hearts and flowers read. Rather, it’s a wrenching tale about a girl, Brianna Reeves, who has been forced against her will into a form of modern sexual slavery. A hollow shell, ravaged and scoured – both physically and mentally – by the man she belongs to, Ian Pierce, she is mentally and emotionally buried beneath the weight of the experiences she’s endured at his hands. Enter Stephan, a sexual Dominant who finds that he cannot leave Brianna in the situation he finds her. For although on the surface he inhabits the same world as Ian, his approach, outlook and philosophy on dominance and submission is light-years apart.  The question is, will his sense of caring and compassion be enough to pull Briana out of the deep mental abyss she has fallen into? And if it is, will she be able to accept that the man who helps her is part of a lifestyle that has, thus far, only shown her abuse? Continue reading →