Last week, I saw this tweet by blogger and writer Betty Herbert …
… and had something of a ‘heck, yeah!’ moment. Mainly because Betty had managed to articulate in less than 140 characters something that has been bugging me for a long time: sex toy manufacturers’ use of annoyingly euphemistic language within their instruction manuals. Or, put another way, their ridiculous insistence on providing virtually no practical instruction whatsoever when it comes to anything other than nuts and bolts functionality.
When I questioned her further about her tweet, Betty went on to say:
If you own a vibrator, or a dildo, or a cock ring, or a butt plug, or any other kind of sex toy or implement, you’ll likely understand exactly what it is she and I are talking about. How many times have you taken something out of the box, perused the manual, and gotten a run-down on Button A and Button B but nothing whatsoever about how or where to insert it? Looked at something online, twisted your head sideways and thought ‘how the hell does that work?’ Turned something over and over in your hands and, after scratching the old noggin, thought ‘well, I get the basic idea, but is this the front or the back?’ Granted, most of us can work out where to stick a dildo or a vibrator but as toy designs evolve and change, become more sophisticated, it’s not always as simple as it might seem to navigate the parameters of functionality.
How about the WeVibe, which Betty mentions in her tweet above:
Image: Lovehoney
Or the Metal Worx Double Trouble Dildo (which, confusingly, and despite its name, has three protrusions):
Image: Sex Shop 365
It should come as no surprise that I’ve bought a truckload of sex-related paraphernalia over the years. And, yes, most of the time, I know what I’m supposed to do with the various toys and instruments at my disposal. But that’s no excuse not to explain clearly and in plain language what something actually does – for safety, if nothing else – and how it should be used to best advantage. Because for every person who can use that triple-armed vibrating dildo with patented electro-pulse feature blindfolded and hanging by one foot, there’s going to be someone who can’t.
As far as the woolly language of sex toy manuals goes? Well, the only thing I can deduce is that that while companies are perfectly happy to sell us all sorts of wonderful baubles, they’re less comfortable with, oh, I don’t know … actually talking to us about them in real terms. It’s almost as if they think we’re incapable of handling the truth of our purchases; God forbid we see words like ‘vagina’ or ‘anus’ or ‘vibrator’ anywhere on the product box or in the manual. And the irony is that in trying not to (I can only assume) ‘embarrass’ users by coming up with all sorts of flowery phrases to explain what their product is and what it does, they actually manage to do just the opposite, i.e. turn something that is completely normal – sexual pleasure – into a shameful thing that can’t be overtly referenced or named.
Need convincing? Check out the below extracts from the manuals of a number of well-known sex toys. (And just in case the intent of the various excerpts escapes you, I’ve included helpful ‘Jane translations’.)
‘Continue pressing the button, and you are gradually elevated through all of the SWAN’s variable motions until you find yourself at an intense fluttering sensation.’
– Kissing Swan rabbit vibrator
Jane translation: Hold it against your clitoris, and keep pushing the power button until you find a setting/speed that brings you to orgasm.
‘This innovative technology has you lost in your thoughts and holding on for more pleasure.’
– Explaining the purpose of the Kissing Swan’s ‘press and hold’ feature (which is billed as a function that ‘mimics the natural escalation of human passion’).
Jane translation: Hold the button down to make the vibrations stronger and get yourself off more quickly.
‘Congratulations on acquiring the ELISE / IRIS pleasure object. Before getting more closely acquainted with your ELISE / IRIS, please take a moment to review the information in this user manual.’
– LELO Iris vibrator
Jane translation: Thanks for buying this vibrator. Before you put it in your vagina, please read the instructions.
Manufacturers! Hear my plea! I have bought something to stimulate my clitoris/vagina/anus/breasts/[insert relevant body part]. You really do not need to try and fool me into thinking that I have bought a ‘massager’ or a ‘pleasure object’ or an ‘objet d’art’. I’m a big girl; I think I can handle the truth – and my sexuality.
*A big ‘thank you’ to Betty for allowing me to use her tweets in this post. Want to know more about her? You can find her at Betty Herbert – This is Love or follow her on Twitter, @52Betty.
Oh, boy, are you ever right. Despite many considerations of several WeVibe products, we still can’t figure out where things are supposed to go. Do they go in me? In him? In us both at the same time? Why else would it be called the WeVibe unless WE can use it together? It’s not long enough for a double ended dildo, though. Oh, the questions.
If you find out any of the answers, please do let us know!
It’s like the Krypton Factor, isn’t it? Betty’s the lady you want to speak to if you have WeVibe questions – I believe she’s finally got to the bottom of how to use hers
(You can find her on Twitter at @52Betty.)
Let it out girl!!!
So true!