Image: Evolved Bendable Silicone Rose Vibrator, courtesy of Vibrator Kingdom

A Hallmark card with a schmaltzy message. Flowers. Chocolate. Jewellery.

Yawn.

I’m in two minds about Valentine’s Day. On the one hand, I think it’s great to tell and show your partner that you love and appreciate them. On the other, I’m not that keen on being railroaded into buying a load of sentimental tat for a day that has, over the years, become less about romance and more about commerce.

The numbers are staggering. According to History.com, men, on average, open their wallets to the tune of USD $150.00. Women? USD $75.00. The amount of chocolate sold? 58 million pounds worth. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Take a look at this Valentine’s Day by the numbers meme they put together.

What a long, long way from Lupercalia – the Roman pagan festival many believe to be the origin of the modern Valentine’s Day celebrations – we’ve come. No blatant nudity or gentle flogging with thongs these days (more’s the pity). Just lots of cardboard, slowly wilting vegetation, sugar, and hearts on chains.

My proposal for this Valentine’s Day? Don’t go crazy on the cash. Keep the fun, sex, and debauchery of the original Lupercalian festival (sans the animal sacrifices) front and centre.

No idea where to begin looking for a lusty present? Some ‘starters for ten’ … Continue reading →