Bad erotica. I asked for it, and you guys wrote it.
Oh, boy, did you write it.
From the very first submission (Kilted Wookie’s The Bank Job) to the very last (Maria Opens Up’s One Eye, Willy, and the Rose), this second #EuphOff has been a rollicking rollercoaster of gleefully purple prose, hilarious sexual puns and arousal-quenching innuendo that – quite literally at times – had me on the floor.
The sheer inventiveness of the various entries and the skill with which they were executed was amazing and I want to say ‘thank you’ to everyone who took the time to enter and craft these amazing pieces of glorious tat. (Despite what others may think, writing really shitty sex scenes well is actually pretty damn hard!)
Before I announce the supreme winner of the much coveted Bad Erotica Crown *cough cough* (and confer the excellence in bad erotic audio award), let’s take a moment or two to ponder the, er, ‘highlights’ of The EuphOff: Part Deux …
Like a plumber unblocking a stubborn drain, he plunged into her, hammering her like a farmer erecting a fence post in the soft earth.
Beck (Goddess of Going Where No Man or Woman Has Gone Before with a Household Appliance or Piece of Infrastructure) and her Kinks:
He rose to his feet. Slapping his throbbing milkshake gun on her face pillows. Stroking his milkshake maker until his creamy warmth coated her voice tunnel.
Glory Wholl stalked across the casino, her voluptuous figure swaying inside the velvet dress. This was not her first mission as Ernest Blohard’s seductress assassin but was likely to be her hardest. Her target’s reputation preceded him and her loins fluttered at the conflict between her professionalism and throbbing desire.
The sound of her moans, the silky feel of her secret studio as he fondled her fufu and stroked at her love bud inflamed his passions even more.
“I don’t care for a rough gutter, so I wax,” he says. I lick his silky sack before moving above the fold to inhale his dingbat. “Suck my font, Devon, suck it!”
“Feeling a little greedy are we?” he says with a wicked glint in his eye.
“Yes, I’m always greedy for you. I want you to pump me hard with your big pneumatic breaker – separate my tyre bead from my trim, make me squeal like a broken fan-belt!”
I let my hands slide downwards. They paused near the entrance of my love garden.
Sheila squealed like a dialup modem connecting to AOL as he plunged into her throbbing love tunnel. “Oh baby, yes, I need more RAM!” Sheila cried out in ecstasy. Matt relentlessly pegged her CPU, shuddering as his hard drive completed its data dump.
Elementa craved for the rough touch of Willie’s strong hands on her ripening flesh. But Willie fulfilled his needs elsewhere. His black sheep, Guilda, was the love of his life …
The Lady Whose Title Before I Clicked Made Me Think My Childhood Memories of Watching The Goonies Were About To Be Forever Altered (A.K.A. Maria Opens Up):
As his fingers touched her, she remembered all the times Willy’s willy had plundered her petals. All the times the old prospector’s mining trolley had lumbered down her throbbing tunnel of love, all the times his pick-axe had struck liquid gold hammering her depths.
So, to the winners. Continue reading