*Can’t read the minuscule copy? Me neither! Click on the image to make it bigger.

For me, personally, the word ‘no’ doesn’t work in quite the same way within the bedroom as it does outside of it. Oh, it still exists all right – it just takes on a different form, wears a different set of clothes. The bulk of its clout is transferred, temporarily, to another combination of letters. In my case ‘red’ – and this is what the above poem would look like if I used it:

*Yep, more small copy. Click, click.

And there’s even a step before that – a ‘semi no’, if you will:

*More clicking needed.

So, really, my personal ‘no’ looks a lot like this:

The super ginormous caveat to all the above? My consent to change the meaning of the word ‘no’ in a sexual context is pre-negotiated and only valid when it comes to my OH. Everybody else? Yep, those two letters mean exactly what you think they do:

The post Wicked Wednesday: My No appeared first on Behind the Chintz Curtain.

Image: Evolved Bendable Silicone Rose Vibrator, courtesy of Vibrator Kingdom

A Hallmark card with a schmaltzy message. Flowers. Chocolate. Jewellery.

Yawn.

I’m in two minds about Valentine’s Day. On the one hand, I think it’s great to tell and show your partner that you love and appreciate them. On the other, I’m not that keen on being railroaded into buying a load of sentimental tat for a day that has, over the years, become less about romance and more about commerce.

The numbers are staggering. According to History.com, men, on average, open their wallets to the tune of USD $150.00. Women? USD $75.00. The amount of chocolate sold? 58 million pounds worth. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Take a look at this Valentine’s Day by the numbers meme they put together.

What a long, long way from Lupercalia – the Roman pagan festival many believe to be the origin of the modern Valentine’s Day celebrations – we’ve come. No blatant nudity or gentle flogging with thongs these days (more’s the pity). Just lots of cardboard, slowly wilting vegetation, sugar, and hearts on chains.

My proposal for this Valentine’s Day? Don’t go crazy on the cash. Keep the fun, sex, and debauchery of the original Lupercalian festival (sans the animal sacrifices) front and centre.

No idea where to begin looking for a lusty present? Some ‘starters for ten’ …

An alternative to red roses …

Evolved Bendable Silicone Rose Vibrator (see image above)
Price: £24.99
From: Vibrator Kingdom

Induces orgasms and doesn’t need watering or throwing out after a week. Now that’s a flower I’d like to receive …

One for the historians …

Luxury Suede Flogger Whip
Price: £21.99
From: Bondara

In keeping with the Lupercalian festival tradition of gently flogging your woman … (And it’s red! So it’s on-theme!)

Image: Luxury Suede Flogger Whip, courtesy of Bondara

For romantics and role-players …

I am Mr Darcy t-shirt
Price: £25.00
From: The Jane Austen Centre

‘In vain I have struggled, it will not do. My feelings will not be repressed – you must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.’

– Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen.

My, God, but I love Mr Darcy. I think it’s the breeches. And maybe the riding crop …

An alternative to a heart …

Rocks-Off ‘The Lick’ silicone vibrator
Price: £19.99 (approx.)
From: Adult Sensations (Canada) | Amazon.com | Lovehoney U.K. | Rock-Chick

We all know that hearts say ‘I love you’, but I would assert that tongues do, too – both literally and figuratively!

Image: Rocks-Off ‘The Lick’ silicone vibrator, courtesy of Rocks-Off

For lovers of jewellery …

njoy Pure Medium Stainless Steel Butt Plug
Price: £37.00 – £70.00 (depending on retailer)
From: Amazon.com | Lovehoney

Necklaces, rings and bracelets … Boring. Go below the waist and decorate a loved one’s bottom with this gorgeous stainless steel njoy plug. It even comes in a jewellery box – how perfect is that? (I haven’t tried one of these myself but know others who have and they rave about their weight and design.)

For word worms …

Goolnick Erotic Fridge Magnet Poetry Set
Price: £12.85
From: Amazon.co.uk | Amazon.com

Magnetic dirty talk. Bawdy poems. Lascivious lists. Deviant instructions. So many possibilities … How nice would it be to come home and find a a mischievous message or dirty ditty on the fridge? (Provided you don’t have small people around who can read, of course!)

However you choose to celebrate Valentine’s Day, don’t forget to tell your other half-that you love them. In the words of one of my all-time favourite erotica writers, Anaïs Nin:

‘Age does not protect you from love. But love, to some extent, protects you from age.’

The post Now that’s a Valentine’s gift … appeared first on Behind the Chintz Curtain.