How timely this Kink of the Week topic is; I have literally (as in the last 24 hours) hit the ‘pay now’ button and invested a chunk of change in a new phallic monolith for the old Jane and M toy box. No batteries, no cords, no plastic – just a lovely hunk of made-to-order glass that I’m hoping will get me off like no-one’s business. I want an orgasm. And I want a good one.

At this point, I’m going to say something controversial. Well, not controversial exactly but, possibly, a little surprising because I really haven’t seen that many other women make the statement I’m about to:

Phallic-style vibrators don’t, as a general rule, get me off.

Not without a lot of fiddling about, anyway.

From a stimulation point-of-view, the internal vibrations do a whole lot of nothing to my lady parts (am I the only one whose vagina pretty much yawns in boredom at these?) and while the rabbit ears – if the vibrator in question happens to have them – do generally feel good against my clitoris, they never seem to hit quite the right place with any sort of consistency. M’s fingers are far easier to position, far more flexible, and far more likely to get me where I need to go. They don’t need recharging, either.

Which brings me to dildos.

I was late to the dildo party, seduced in my youthful exuberance by the idea of vibrations equalling orgasmic heaven: why would I want to choose a plain old phallus over one that vibrates like an Airbus during take-off and churns little beads around like a cement mixer full of marbles? Surely the more features the better? Give me the bells and whistles! Stick as many things on that hot rod as possible!

Image: L’Academie des Dames… Aloïsia, Nicolas Chorier

Yeah, turns out all those extras, for me personally, were highly un-necessary. In short, I have come to realise that, internally, all my body really cares about is size, shape, and material.

My first dildo purchases were probably not the best (rubbery numbers that smelled awful and, in hindsight, were likely choc-full of phthalates). However, the fact that they were, respectively, both bigger and smaller than a standard vibrator made them stand out because they could do things their vibrating siblings weren’t really able to: the larger-sized dildo created more satisfying friction internally due to its girth; the smaller, thinner one could be inserted into tighter places. Eventually, however, as I became more educated about phthalates, I threw them both out and went in search of body-safe alternatives.

And this was when I discovered the joys of the glass dildo.

The glass phallus has pretty much become my internal sex toy of choice. Why? First and foremost, because it has a firmness to it that the softer, plasticised versions just don’t. In turn, this means that it can be angled and rubbed against the G-Spot extremely effectively and, if I’m lucky, prompt a squirting orgasm. (When all’s said and done, that’s the kind of climax I put on a pedestal because they’re nearly always more intense than one triggered by clitoral stimulation.) I’ve also found that glass tends to lend itself to more extreme angling design-wise and that the hooked, curved dildos that can be produced from it as a result are perfect for targeting that little sponge of internal nerve endings. Best of all, glass isn’t going to leach all sorts of chemical nasties into your body. It’s easy to clean, too.

Image: Erotische Darstellung, Franz von Bayros 

I’ve not yet tried a stainless steel dildo (although one of those is on my wish list) but have heard that many others rate them, particularly the njoy Pure Wand, for the same reasons: it’s firm, angled, body-safe, and non-porous. (This particular design comes up again and again on Toy with Me Tuesday and looking at various other online reviews, it seems some people are ready to marry the thing!)

So (after all that rambling), I hereby declare myself a card-carrying member of Camp Dildo. I like it here. There’s no fast, or slow or pulse setting, but it’s satisfying. Blissfully so.

The post Kink of the Week: Camp Dildo appeared first on Behind the Chintz Curtain.

Image: Evolved Bendable Silicone Rose Vibrator, courtesy of Vibrator Kingdom

A Hallmark card with a schmaltzy message. Flowers. Chocolate. Jewellery.

Yawn.

I’m in two minds about Valentine’s Day. On the one hand, I think it’s great to tell and show your partner that you love and appreciate them. On the other, I’m not that keen on being railroaded into buying a load of sentimental tat for a day that has, over the years, become less about romance and more about commerce.

The numbers are staggering. According to History.com, men, on average, open their wallets to the tune of USD $150.00. Women? USD $75.00. The amount of chocolate sold? 58 million pounds worth. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Take a look at this Valentine’s Day by the numbers meme they put together.

What a long, long way from Lupercalia – the Roman pagan festival many believe to be the origin of the modern Valentine’s Day celebrations – we’ve come. No blatant nudity or gentle flogging with thongs these days (more’s the pity). Just lots of cardboard, slowly wilting vegetation, sugar, and hearts on chains.

My proposal for this Valentine’s Day? Don’t go crazy on the cash. Keep the fun, sex, and debauchery of the original Lupercalian festival (sans the animal sacrifices) front and centre.

No idea where to begin looking for a lusty present? Some ‘starters for ten’ …

An alternative to red roses …

Evolved Bendable Silicone Rose Vibrator (see image above)
Price: £24.99
From: Vibrator Kingdom

Induces orgasms and doesn’t need watering or throwing out after a week. Now that’s a flower I’d like to receive …

One for the historians …

Luxury Suede Flogger Whip
Price: £21.99
From: Bondara

In keeping with the Lupercalian festival tradition of gently flogging your woman … (And it’s red! So it’s on-theme!)

Image: Luxury Suede Flogger Whip, courtesy of Bondara

For romantics and role-players …

I am Mr Darcy t-shirt
Price: £25.00
From: The Jane Austen Centre

‘In vain I have struggled, it will not do. My feelings will not be repressed – you must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.’

– Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen.

My, God, but I love Mr Darcy. I think it’s the breeches. And maybe the riding crop …

An alternative to a heart …

Rocks-Off ‘The Lick’ silicone vibrator
Price: £19.99 (approx.)
From: Adult Sensations (Canada) | Amazon.com | Lovehoney U.K. | Rock-Chick

We all know that hearts say ‘I love you’, but I would assert that tongues do, too – both literally and figuratively!

Image: Rocks-Off ‘The Lick’ silicone vibrator, courtesy of Rocks-Off

For lovers of jewellery …

njoy Pure Medium Stainless Steel Butt Plug
Price: £37.00 – £70.00 (depending on retailer)
From: Amazon.com | Lovehoney

Necklaces, rings and bracelets … Boring. Go below the waist and decorate a loved one’s bottom with this gorgeous stainless steel njoy plug. It even comes in a jewellery box – how perfect is that? (I haven’t tried one of these myself but know others who have and they rave about their weight and design.)

For word worms …

Goolnick Erotic Fridge Magnet Poetry Set
Price: £12.85
From: Amazon.co.uk | Amazon.com

Magnetic dirty talk. Bawdy poems. Lascivious lists. Deviant instructions. So many possibilities … How nice would it be to come home and find a a mischievous message or dirty ditty on the fridge? (Provided you don’t have small people around who can read, of course!)

However you choose to celebrate Valentine’s Day, don’t forget to tell your other half-that you love them. In the words of one of my all-time favourite erotica writers, Anaïs Nin:

‘Age does not protect you from love. But love, to some extent, protects you from age.’

The post Now that’s a Valentine’s gift … appeared first on Behind the Chintz Curtain.