26

Camp DildoImage: Maanpuolustusvastainen (own work)

How timely this Kink of the Week topic is; I have literally (as in the last 24 hours) hit the ‘pay now’ button and invested a chunk of change in a new phallic monolith for the old Jane and M toy box. No batteries, no cords, no plastic – just a lovely hunk of made-to-order glass that I’m hoping will get me off like no-one’s business. I want an orgasm. And I want a good one.

At this point, I’m going to say something controversial. Well, not controversial exactly but, possibly, a little surprising because I really haven’t seen that many other women make the statement I’m about to:

Phallic-style vibrators don’t, as a general rule, get me off.

Not without a lot of fiddling about, anyway.

From a stimulation point-of-view, the internal vibrations do a whole lot of nothing to my lady parts (am I the only one whose vagina pretty much yawns in boredom at these?) and while the rabbit ears – if the vibrator in question happens to have them – do generally feel good against my clitoris, they never seem to hit quite the right place with any sort of consistency. M’s fingers are far easier to position, far more flexible, and far more likely to get me where I need to go. They don’t need recharging, either.

Which brings me to dildos. Continue reading

28

Image: Evolved Bendable Silicone Rose Vibrator, courtesy of Vibrator Kingdom

A Hallmark card with a schmaltzy message. Flowers. Chocolate. Jewellery.

Yawn.

I’m in two minds about Valentine’s Day. On the one hand, I think it’s great to tell and show your partner that you love and appreciate them. On the other, I’m not that keen on being railroaded into buying a load of sentimental tat for a day that has, over the years, become less about romance and more about commerce.

The numbers are staggering. According to History.com, men, on average, open their wallets to the tune of USD $150.00. Women? USD $75.00. The amount of chocolate sold? 58 million pounds worth. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Take a look at this Valentine’s Day by the numbers meme they put together.

What a long, long way from Lupercalia – the Roman pagan festival many believe to be the origin of the modern Valentine’s Day celebrations – we’ve come. No blatant nudity or gentle flogging with thongs these days (more’s the pity). Just lots of cardboard, slowly wilting vegetation, sugar, and hearts on chains.

My proposal for this Valentine’s Day? Don’t go crazy on the cash. Keep the fun, sex, and debauchery of the original Lupercalian festival (sans the animal sacrifices) front and centre.

No idea where to begin looking for a lusty present? Some ‘starters for ten’ … Continue reading