‘Exploding’ Cock

A condition that commonly affects male protagonists at the point of orgasm, e.g. “his cock exploded”.

‘Dripping’ Pussy

I’m actually surprised there’s not an emergency call-out service for this one. The potential for turned-on women flooding houses seems rather alarming.

Orgasmic ‘Fireworks’

Oh, yes. This one is everywhere. The 4th of July and Guy Fawkes have nothing on couples in the throws of orgasm.

‘Needles’ of Pleasure

Um, I absolutely get needles in a fetish context but apparently pricking (pun intended) is a common side-effect of coming.

‘Squeezing’ of Breasts

They’re not lemons, for crying out loud!

There are about a billion more of these out there but, frankly, I don’t have time to (badly) draw them all. More’s the pity. I’ll be doing my best to avoid these going forwards but, no doubt, some will creep in without me realising. In the meantime, I’d better make sure I’ve got an emergency plumber on speed dial.

The post Erotic Cliches: The Stickfigure Edition appeared first on Behind the Chintz Curtain.

[Cue voice of Brian Butterfield] …

CARI SILVERWOOD’S NEW EROTIC ROMANCE PARODY, SQUIRM! 

Every erotic romance you’ve ever read over the past two years rolled into one handy novella. Horny virgin? Check. Fifty shades of Charlie Hunnam? Check. An enormous penis – I mean tentacle – that just won’t stop poking? Check.

Cue interview …

JANE: Does eau de biker have a two-stroke top note and can I buy it from Selfridges or John Lewis?

CARI: I hope you appreciate how much Googling I had to do for this – I’d heard of Selfridges though. To let the US and rest-of-the-world readers in on this, think Target and Walmart with a smidge more class.

I think two-stroke would be a wonderful way to describe this sought after perfume. Although the exact ingredients are a closely held secret by all motorcycle clubs, there’s definitely a base of petrol/gasoline along with the other obvious ingredients like beer, grease, and pizza leftovers.

I doubt you can buy it at Selfridges/Walmart due to the price being the blood of an untamed virgin … or the kiss of one. My inner voice just yelled at me that blood is too icky for a humorous story about a tentacle monster ravaging a virgin. Let’s stick with kiss.

JANE: As you know, women like their erotica light and flowery, because – let’s face it – as a gender, we’re all about puppies and kittens. That said, I see Squirm really pushes the boat out with regard to naughty, sexy language. Do you feel that you’re breaking down barriers by referring to Virginia Chase’s lady garden as a ‘downstairs department’ and how heavily were you influenced by the ground breaking work of E.L. James and Anastasia’s ‘down there’ area?

CARI: Oh my. Do other women have a downstairs department? Wow.

I’m not sure if I’m breaking anything except hymens in this story. Crap. Apparently that was crass, too. Pardon me.

In all seriousness, I don’t think there are very many erotic parodies out there. Hens’ teeth are a little more common. So in that way, I’m breaking new ground. I was taking a bit of a risk with Squirm. Although I can parry and riposte smart-ass witticisms on Facebook now and then, when the wind is coming from the right direction, I had no real reason to think I could do a whole funny book. I should probably get a medal for this.

I think the genre needs a bit of fun thrown in to counterbalance the enormous load of sheer passionate emotions erupting from the pages of most romances. There’s so much crazy. The lust. The passion! The devastation from almost dying due to the grief of breaking up with a boyfriend, and the weeping and the screams of Noooooooo when he leaves the toilet seat up. People just plain throwing their arms in the air, dancing, and being freaking crazy in LOVE.

Bikers, billionaires, rock stars, assassins, bunny rabbits, werewolves, vampires! Rock-hard cocks that come and go all night, only to then get used to beat up the ninjas springing through the window. All that.

I think I lost track of what I was talking about somewhere up above, but the world will tip off its axis if we don’t laugh a little.

With regards to the terms I used to refer to lady bits, I’ve probably set erotic fiction back by a decade.

Karl did say cunt, too, though. Does that count?

Excuse me while I quickly flash read that E.L. James work referred to above.

Whips, chains, an inner goddess, and a stalker. Lucky girl.

I was vaguely influenced by that other book. My lawyer told me to say that. *shifts on seat* Moving on?

JANE: Would you call Virginia size-ist?

CARI: She does like big schlongs, doesn’t she? Yes. She’s size-ist. Poor Jace was probably a perfectly good lay, even if he was easy, and only a measly nine inches.

JANE: Let’s talk influences. Bikers, billionaires and sea monsters – a natural venn diagram if ever there was one. In fact, I’m incredibly surprised that no one has thought to combine them in a story before. Danger, money and multiple appendages; it’s every woman’s fantasy come to life. To what extent did you base your characters on Byker Grove [if you click on this link, try not to fall over with laughter when you see that users who 'liked' this series also 'liked' Sons of Anarchy – the two have about as much in common as a bicycle tire and a cock ring], Wall Street and Paul the Psychic Octopus?

Not one bit. I based it on all the information that flows through my head daily. There’s a lot of stuff in there and though most of it is totally useless, sometimes I can make sense of it all. It’s not like that monkey pounding the typewriter keys analogy though. Mine is more like a shaken snow globe method. If it’s pretty and sparkles, it goes into the Word .doc.

I had a whole bunch of Beta readers from the Badass Brats street team for this and all they did was nod and cheer. Talk about monkeys. I’d sack them but they work for peanuts and bananas. And I love them.

My lawyer said to put that, too.

P.S. I’m so glad my tentacle, biker, billionaire fantasies tee up with yours. Multiple appendages is such a clever way to describe it and almost sounds acceptable to normal society. I’m writing that one down for my next tea party.

“Why yes, Janice, do have a cucumber sandwich. And when is your next appointment for a multiple appendage sex orgy?”

JANE: Lastly, let’s talk about Cari, the writer. How has Squirm challenged you and where do you feel it sits within your dark erotica oeuvre?

CARI: It was a rollercoaster ride. I’d been stewing on writing a parody for a year possibly – ever since I caught sight of the zillionaire vampire cowboy book. And then the Booty Call for Cthulhu hit me. Shucks.

I wouldn’t say it was a challenge as much as a surprise. I didn’t know I could do this. But it was easy to write and so much fun. I tried to get Sorcha Black to join in and she ran away screaming – despite an earlier promise to help write one of these.

Where does it sit within my dark erotica oeuvre? Gah. My fingers fell off retyping that last word.

It doesn’t. If it’s there at all Squirm is sitting fidgeting and looking sideways at the exit. This is a silly, short, monster sex book that pokes fun at everything I could get think of that fitted the plot. Admittedly some of the ideas were bunged in with a sledgehammer.

I’ve been told I’m an ADD author and this parody is a prime example of my wandering attention. It doesn’t even have to be shiny to attract me, just wriggly and able to be used in various orifices. Oh look! World’s biggest gummy worm!

Joking. I think.

From the cover:

A parody of everything great and weird in erotic romance that could be stuffed into one book without it exploding. 

For some girls, one tentacle isn’t enough. 

Having a bad day isn’t good but when Virginia Chaste has a bad day, she gets felt up by a tentacle monster. If it simply has to happen, let it at least be a billionaire and a hot biker. 

Virginity isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and her search for the Holy Grail of Erotic Romance, the ten inch purple-headed schlong, may have finally borne fruit. 

Yeehaw! Playing hide the tentacle has never been so much fun. 

Ready for some tentacle love? Click on the following links to purchase a copy:

Amazon.co.uk

• Squirm – Kindle

Amazon.com

• Squirm – Kindle

Smashwords

• Squirm – ePub

*A big thank you to the delightful Cari for agreeing to step behind the curtain and subject herself to my ridiculous questions.

The post Squirm: Cari Silverwood talks inches, virgins, billionaires and tentacles appeared first on Behind the Chintz Curtain.

Photo courtesy of Love Hate Sex Cake

Welcome to e[lust] - The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at e[lust]. Want to be included in e[lust] #50? Start with the newly updated rules, come back September 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

A pill for that?

When I Get Annoyed, Shit Happens.

The Dildo Wars- Dildology & Doc Johnson

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Sense, Sensibility and Censorship

Triggers, Asses and Subby Places.

~ Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

There is no Freedom Without Risk

Blogging

Decisions, Decisions….
Voyeurism Rant About Blogger/WordPress & Host

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY IS OFFENSIVE
Beautiful Rope Work – Easier than you think
Kinky Assumptions
As I promised…a singletail video!
Bootblacking
Chronic Fatigue and BDSM
NSA BDSM: Failure and Success
Supporting your dominant’s dominance
How to Get Your Boyfriend to Spank You

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Rabbit Vibrators: How to measure for fitting
Acting! Thank You!
TItty Fucking
What’s Wrong With Sexy Scientists?

Erotic Non-Fiction

Keep Me Nasty
No Safewords
Being on the Ropes
The Lead Up
My Birthday Spankings#BirthdaySpankingsforRei
More Like An Earthquake
Lessons
Stag at a sex party
A Fan of Fans
Let the rain come
Gangbang Club
The Polka-Dot Dress
Dinner for Two

Erotic Fiction

The (Not So) Innocent
Master’s Bad Day
When She Comes
Summer Storm
Lolita Twenty-Thirteen, Part Seven
Eight Ball
A Hole in the Pack

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

He hears me.
Why Doesn’t She Respond to Cunnilingus?
I Don’t Rape.
5 Reasons Straight Men Fear MFM Threesomes
Cap D’Adge and swinging
Boys & Their Toys
Anal Sex is Motherf***ing Awesome
Words of Wisdom
Seeing Red

The post e[lust] #49 appeared first on Behind the Chintz Curtain.

Prepare yourselves. This could get a little messy.

—————————————————————-

Jane: Welcome, Ms Savill! It is an honour to have you here in my erotic Laura Ashley-stroke-Cath Kidston paradise. First of all, why don’t you give us a brief run down on YOU. Who is Sheri, really, and what is she about? What does she spread on her toast in the morning? Does she take milk in her coffee? Does she pay her electricity bill on time?

Sheri: Greetings Jane! And if I may, just a quick hello to the last of your readers as they rush for the doors. So glad to be here! At last! I’m Behind the Chintz Curtain. And may I say it is every bit as lovely as I had suspected it would be. The pictures do NOT do it justice. I expected nice, but this is really elegant. And thank you for setting out the cheesy poofs for me. A most thoughtful gesture.

Jane: Let’s begin our Bound for Disappointment discussion by talking a little bit about Tara Febreze, the book’s intrepid erotic author heroine. What – or who – inspired her creation and could you tell us a little more about the etymology of her name? It has a very French feel to it and I am curious as to whether you may have been influenced by the great Anne Desclos of Story of O fame.

Sheri: Very perceptive of you Jane, to notice the literary influences as to Tara’s name. Yes, the name conjures cheap French perfume and odour-masking aerosols. The name Tara … I was thinking of Scarlett O’Hara’s plantation and of course Scarlett wore corsets. See how it all connects so cleverly? So well-crafted, isn’t it? Or, maybe I just got up one morning and, before I’d had that first life-giving slug of espresso, let out a breathy sigh and said to myself, “Hmm. Name for character. Let’s see. How ’bout Tara? Febreze? Yeah, good a name as any. Clackety-clack.” Oh no! Trade secrets given away here on Chintz Curtain. Redact!

Jane: In the initial stages of the book, burritos and flip flops play a significant role in the storyline. Can you expand a little on your decision to include them in the text and perhaps explain their metaphorical significance?

Sheri: Burritos are terribly underused in most great literature, don’t you agree? And why is that? It got me to thinking. Kept me up at night. Then I hit upon it: the burrito is a perfect metaphor for BDSM. It’s got all these bits sort of bound up inside. Bondage. And flip flops, of course, can be removed quickly, and used to slap at things. Like if you wanted to kill a bug crawling along the floor. So, burritos and bondage, flip flops and slapping at things. BDSM. I thought it was pretty ham-handed and transparent of me, really. But readers should see these things through the prism of their own experience.

Jane: Tara comes across as a very emotional heroine. Do you think that sometimes her feelings get the better of her? Is, for example, the scene in which she demolishes a neighbour’s topiary with a chainsaw typical or atypical of her from a behavioural point-of-view?

Sheri: Tara is a bit … high-strung. She’s creative; has that artistic temperament. So of course she’s going to react to blatant hypocrisy with a chainsaw massacre. Who doesn’t? For readers who don’t know, I’ll tell you a little (without spoilers): In the story, when the big online retailer starts censoring smut books, Tara just loses her shit completely. Personally I would never do something like that. Say a big online retailer made me change a beautiful book cover of mine, and then the next day I saw sixty-three others that are much much much more provocative than mine ever was, and the retailer let all of those stand, and they’re still there as we speak. Would I grab a chainsaw and go on a rampage next door? No. I’d write a polite letter of inquiry to the retailer, and then delete it. And then I’d probably say, “Well, right then. I’m going to write some snarky shit about this, at least, and then sell it on their site, because I do enjoy a nice slice of irony now and then.”

Jane: Vageena Royale, Tara’s arch nemesis: is she as Voldemort is to Harry? As Iago is to Othello?

Sheri: Vageena is annoying, isn’t she? I actually based her on a character from school. Someone who hid library books we all needed for research papers. Very cutthroat shit, that was. I have to figure karma got her. So I learned from that … trust no one! Make fun of them twenty years later in a book. No, they won’t know you’ve done it. But you will. Petty? You bet. Oh! Random fact you must know: As I wrote BFD, I constantly typed “Vegeena” instead of “Vageena.” I didn’t say it was an interesting fact. Just a random one.

Jane: It’s very difficult to prevent at least some of who we are, as authors, from seeping into our writing. How heavily do you, Sheri Savill, feature in Bound for Disappointment?

Sheri: I’d say Tara is 100% me through and through. Not just with regard to my penchant for wearing corsets and thigh-highs while out on errands, but the way she deals with the bad reviews, and the way she fondled the burritos. All those little details. Very much me.

Jane: At one point, Tara is told to edit her writing to make it ‘less smutty’, more acceptable for mainstream distribution. What parallels can we draw from this incident with real life and, say, the move to censor adult content by governments and large multinationals?

Sheri: Seriously I could rant about this all day. Censorship just infuriates me. As Mark Twain said, “Censorship is telling a man he can’t have a steak just because a baby can’t chew it.” I don’t like babies either. Sorry. But censorship with no logic, and being applied unevenly, and without explanation? Infuriating. Dangerous. And some are saying we mustn’t talk about it because we might be banned “for good” from certain … places. That’s some self-censorship right there, eh?

Jane: Would you ever recommend looking for a Dom in the frozen foods aisle?

Sheri: Yes, by all means. Look for the black flip flops and other tell tale signs of Domliness. Really, I think Doms are hard to find these days. It’s all submissives now. They’re being hatched somewhere. Someone needs to spray, or set out bait traps. The big ones. Where HAVE all the Doms gone? Who has them? Is there a ransom note? How much do the kidnappers want? Can we raise the money, Jane!? Online petition? Why isn’t there a rent-a-Dom service? Why? I don’t want to buy one because they lose more than half their value the minute you get them off the showroom floor. My head swirls with questions like this pretty much all the time. You know how they say a creative mind is like a computer monitor with 2,853 windows all open in separate tabs, all at the same time? My mind is exactly like that, only there’s a 404 on every page.

Jane: Lastly, I’d like to ask you about the book’s title. Does it suggest an ill-fated ending for Ms Febreze, or is it perhaps more hopeful, hinting at disappointment only if she continues to pursue Tops by the name of DOM?

Sheri: Well, Bound for Disappointment sort of sums up my personal “journey”.  The glass is half full. The wheels have fallen off the wagon. Someone’s stuck a pin in the balloon. But I’m known as an optimist.

I don’t want to give away the ending because I spent a good three minutes – at least – plotting it. But I’ll hint. There may be sequels. Yes. Because I have – I mean Tara has – angst. She’s sensitive. She needs to vent when people leave inane reviews of her books. Me, I shrug and go about my business all cheerful-like. I don’t give it a second thought. Because I’m a professional. I can take harsh, poorly-written criticism from strangers who’ve never read erotica, much less BDSM erotica. “My that’s an interesting point you make. I’ll be sure to …” The chainsaw is gassed up and ready.

Excerpt:

‘When Tara reached home she opened her laptop and checked her email. There was one marked URGENT, from her editor, Deke:

“Hey, Tara. Our distributors are tightening up some categories for smutty BDSM books. There have been complaints that your stuff is too … hardcore. So we have to be a little more careful. No biggie, just means changing a little wording in your new books, here and there, to adapt. No more references to “cock” “pussy” “fucking” “tits” “ass” “holes” “come” “coming” “wet” “hard” “breathing” “licking” “sucking” “fingers” “smacking” “bruising” “blowing” “moaning” “hot” “touching” “thrusting” “whipping” “caning” “spanking” “toys” and “sex.” I’ll send the full list later.”

“What in the name of FUCK-ALL?!” Tara said aloud, to her pet goldfish Skippy, who was doing a backstroke in his bowl on her desk. Actually he was Skippy 17. She numbered the Skippys now, because she traveled a lot and, well, you know. When she returned from trips it was just a matter of a quick flushing and then on to the next Skippy. Tara knew that people with pets were generally happier and better adjusted overall. Dealing with a string of senseless fish deaths made her better able to handle the stresses of everyday life with grace and aplomb.

“Are these fucking prude-ass distributors on meth!? How am I going to write smut without cocks and pussies and assholes and come? MY STUFF IS TOO HARDCORE?! This is smut, for God’s sake! Smut is supposed to be … SMUTTY!”

The rain pelted the windows. Thunder rolled, rattling the light fixture over her desk. Tara felt a furious bubbling froth of anger rising up from the pit of her stomach. She jumped up and headed to the backyard. She stopped at the shed and grabbed her perfectly-maintained gassed-up chainsaw. She pulled the cord. It started instantly and she charged over wet grass in her five-inch black patent heels in the darkness and heavy rain.

“I’ll show these motherfuckers! TOO HARDCORE?! MY STUFF IS TOO HARDCORE?!?! FUCKING ASSHOLES!” She thought again how having pets allowed her to channel her feelings in healthy ways.’

—————————————————————-

* Sheri Savill is a real-life submissive who “came out” about it back in the mid-90s, somewhat at least (went to dungeons, etc.). She knew she was submissive since she was a pre-teen, and there are still whips and chains in the house. She’s worked at damned near every sort of media outlet there is over the years – as a magazine editor, reporter, freelance writer, copy editor. Now she writes smut and does web development. When she’s working, she wears headphones and listens to soothing rainstorm sounds that promise to keep her centered and calm. It doesn’t work.

Bound for Disappointment tickle your fancy? Click on the following links to purchase a copy:

Amazon.co.uk

• Bound for Disappointment – Kindle

Amazon.com

• Bound for Disappointment – Kindle

Barnes & Noble

• Bound for Disappointment – Nook

The post Interview: Sheri Savill – Bound for Disappointment or untold fame and glory? appeared first on Behind the Chintz Curtain.

One of the outstanding contributors to this noticeboard is Becca, who does an amazing job of letting all the group members know what’s just popped up and where we can find it. And the other day, she unearthed what can only be described as the most hilarious sounding erotica ever, Flight to Oblivion by one Captain Chris Felton. Per the blurb on Amazon (and, yes, all the following typos are actually in the product description):

‘Kester Wylie is invited to fly on an inaugural flight for a friends new airline. Seven hours into the 4 hour flight they find things are not wuite right. Kester has to break into the planes anti hijack cockpit and try to land the jet. He alters the auto pilot settings and lowers the plane, where he crash landed it on a desert island as they were almost out of fuel. There follows a struggle with the survivors, and he befriends two females and a Japanese team of cheer leaders. He takes them under his wing and eventually they are rescued he finds that the cheerleaders and their manager are all pregnant. He discovers the plane was brought down by a sophisticated missile system. Build in Shanghai by a Chinese his tech military contractor. He gets involved in an intreaguing plot to kill him. Along the way he encounters many beautiful females whom he seduces and they end up living with him, a tale of adventure and enigma and highly charged erotic situations.’

Holy cr*p! Executive Decision meets Bring it On meets Castaway meets Never Say Never Again. Danger! Disaster! Steven Seagal! (Okay, maybe I’m making that last one up, but it feels like he should be in this book!) It’s an erotic mash-up of epic proportions. One that I feel requires some supplementary visual diagrams.

Yep, you guessed it. The stick figures are back with a world first: Book Blurb by Pictures. (The Amazon product description team are going to be beating down my door …)

Part One: Kester makes an Executive Decision

 Part two: Castaway – The Cheerleader Years

 Part three: Bring on the Babies!

Part Four: Look, I know I said I’d Never Be Late Again but …

You know, after all this writing and drawing, I have the strange urge to watch Airplane! …

NB: Need more stick figure action? The lined ones go wild on horses in this post.

The post An erotica blurb in pictures: Flight to Oblivion – Captain Chris Felton appeared first on Behind the Chintz Curtain.

 

‘Er, Jane? What exactly are you doing to that turkey with my Shibari rope?’
‘Toy with me Tuesday.’
‘I’m not even going to ask.’
‘Probably best not to.’
‘Just make sure you clean it thoroughly afterwards.’
‘Salmonella’s a hard limit, yes?’
‘Don’t be cheeky.’

Who said poultry bondage can’t be sexy?

My Toy with me Tuesday entry for this week is inspired by two things: Christmas and Fifty Shades of Chicken, which I discovered a few weeks ago. Bloody hilarious.

I couldn’t decide which of these two pictures I liked the best – with holly or without – so have decided to include both. Which do you prefer?

Right, off to wash the Shibari rope before it’s contaminated any further …

The post Toy with me Tuesday: Shibari Christmas turkey appeared first on Behind the Chintz Curtain.

‘Reader, I buggered him.’

Talk about an alternative ending to a classic. I never imagined Jane Eyre as a Domme, but now I can’t stop thinking about her pegging Mr Rochester.

It isn’t easy to write a good parody; limp jokes and tawdry puns abound – and many are about as entertaining as watching cement set – but in this post-Fifty Shades world, they’re being churned out left, right and centre as people try to cash in on the badly-written-BDSM-erotica revolution. Standing tall amidst the forest of downloadable dross, however, are three works of comedy that are absolute masterclasses in how to take the mick out of awful prose. Shenanigans with Thousand Island dressing, rimming the Black Gate of Mordor, and romantic nights at the Holiday Inn: will Fifty Sheds of Grey, Fifty Shelves of Grey and Fifty Shames of Earl Grey please stand up?

I don’t normally review books in tandem but in this case, the fictitious authors of these publications – C.T. Grey, Vanessa Parody, and Fanny Merkin – were all inspired by the Chaucer of our time, E.L. James’, so, thematically, they sit rather nicely together.

Title: Fifty Sheds of Grey
Author: C.T. Grey
Publisher: Boxtree (13 September 2012)
ISBN: 978-0752265452

You may have seen my mention of the release of Fifty Sheds of Grey in last week’s link round-up, but for those who aren’t aware, this book is the result of the wildly successful @50ShedsofGrey Twitter account, which popped up few months back. Described as ‘erotica for the not-too-modern male’, Fifty Sheds of Grey is DIY-inspired innuendo at its best. Not surprisingly, C.T. Grey’s shed plays the staring role in his tools and hardware sexual fantasy-land and I doubt, after reading his 140-characters-or-less gems, you’ll ever look at a mower or sprinkler the same way again.

‘I do have one fetish,’ I admitted, ‘MILFs … Mowers I’d Like to Fix.’

Yes, you could absolutely go on Twitter and scroll through the various 50Sheds tweets and but by doing so you’ll miss out on the high-quality shed-porn on offer (read: pictures of garden sheds) and the alternative interpretations of iconic pieces of literature – such as Lady Chatterley’s Lover and Shakespeare’s Sonnet 18 – which are interspersed between the wonderful social media pearls.

‘Shall I compare thee to a summer-house?

Thou art more homely and more intimate.

Rough women do shake my darling shed of grey,

But summarily spurn a second date.’

A note of caution – a lot of the jokes in here are very British in tone and content, so this one may be funnier for those in the U.K. (There was a hilarious @50ShedsofGrey tweet that went out a few days ago concerning Marmite and it caused great confusion amongst those unfamiliar with this breakfast spread’s inky charms.)

Fifty Sheds of Grey is available from Amazon.co.uk (Kindle ; Hardback) and Amazon.com (Kindle ; Paperback).

Title: Fifty Shelves of Grey
Author: Vanessa Parody
Publisher: Constable (09 August 2012)
ISBN: 978-1472102386

Fifty Shelves of Grey is a slightly different proposition to Fifty Sheds, although, like C.T. Grey, Ms Parody has taken at least some of her inspiration from the classics. Per the cover: ‘A Selection of Great Books Erotically Remastered’, but I must confess that I was strongly disposed to like this book before I even got to the erotic tinkering because of the outstanding John Waters quote that features in the prelim pages:

‘If you go home with somebody, and they don’t have books, don’t fuck ’em’

If ever a quote was true …

Fifty Shelves has something for everyone. From Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre (from which the very first quote in this post is taken) to Leo Tolstoy’s War and Peace, Herman Melville’s Moby-Dick to Ovid’s The Art of Love, these erotic re-imaginings are punchy, and gut-wrenchingly funny. Even better, they’re distilled right down – the majority of the pieces clock in at one to two pages – so they’re wonderfully digestible. The stand-outs for me? The Lord of the Rings (‘Gimlit talked loudly about ‘preparing to rim the Black Gate of Mordor’), Fight Club (The first rule about fuck club is that you don’t talk about fuck club’), and The Highway Code (‘If an orgasm is oncoming, please pull into the left ‘slow’ lane’), with an honourable mention going to the Boden Catalogue. (For once, I didn’t feel physically ill reading mini-stories about over-priced, mass-produced clothing.)

‘Vintage-look linen sundress, £89
We love the ruffled shoulder straps on this gorgeous knee-length swingy dress. Equally perfect for sunny country strolls and for being pushed up around your waist as you are taken vigorously from behind by a farmer, yokel or rural milkman.’

Fifty Shelves of Grey is available from Amazon.co.uk (Kindle ; Hardback) and Amazon.com (Kindle).

Title: Fifty Shames of Earl Grey
Author: Fanny Merkin
Publisher: JR Books Ltd (31 July 2012)
ISBN: 978-1907532504

Last, but certainly not least, is the bergamot man himself, Earl Grey. Fifty Shames of Earl Grey is, in terms of content, the most closely aligned with E.L. James’ Fifty Shades of Grey, but make no mistake: Fanny Merkin (a.k.a. Andrew Shaffer) slices the original text apart with a wickedly sharp satirical sword, chopping the protagonists into little pieces and re-assembling both them – and the plot – in a tableau of delicious ridiculousness. Further, in addition to firmly elbowing its inspiration’s characters, dialogue and general content, Fifty Shames has a bit of a chortle at Fifty Shades’ Twilight fan-fic origins:

‘I open my eyes and stare down at Mr. Grey and HOLY MOTHER EFFING SPARKLY VAMPIRES IS HE HOT.’
.
.
.
‘“Miss Kraven,” the handsome CEO says, extending a long-fingered hand to me to assist me off his desk. I’d expected him to be British, but there’s no trace of an English accent in his voice. “I’m Edward Cullen. I mean, ‘Earl Grey.’ Have a seat?”’

I had a great time reading passages of this book aloud with a friend of mine – we took turns between fits of laughter – and whether you loved or hated the original, this is an incredibly fun read that will leave you with a smile on your face – private Hawaiian dinosaur parks, Dorm Rooms of Doom, white doves out of vaginas, and all.

Fifty Shames of Earl Grey is available from Amazon.co.uk (Kindle ; Paperback) and Amazon.com (Kindle ; Paperback).

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