Image: courtesy of Tech Affair

‘Do you talk during sex? Do you like to be talked to during sex? What do you say or what do you like to hear? Does it excite you or does it turn you off?’

Words. They have the ability to steal the breath more effectively than a cane, settle beneath the skin more deeply than the thud of a flogger, bind and hold us more firmly than any rope.

When I saw that this was the topic prompt for this week’s Wicked Wednesday, I was thrilled (superb suggestion, Lord Raven). Why? Well, words are a huge (huge) part of my personal kink.

Sex, for me, is rarely silent. It’s always better when there’s verbal communication going on, because, in my opinion, while our bodies generally give our partners a pretty good idea as to whether we’re enjoying ourselves (or not), the right words have the ability to elevate and texture an exchange in a way that nothing else can. They give the speaker and the listener the opportunity to further engage the senses, to fall more fully into an experience and connect more deeply with one another. Over time, I’ve come to understand that I actually need the verbal element in order to reach the places that I find most satisfying. I don’t mean that I require a constant stream of words and chatter to orgasm. Far from it. Rather, that a few choice words and phrases have the ability to elevate sex or a D/s exchange to a whole other level. Put simply, my brain needs to be engaged for me to be aroused and language plays a massive part in its stimulation.

It can’t just be any old dirty talk, mind you; the verbal cues I like are very specific and they all play into other aspects of my sexual personality and kinks. A set of instructions, orders, requirements, quiet threats; a commentary of what I look like in a particularly vulnerable position or perhaps following a perverted set of directions; name-calling. If the words have anything to do with control, objectification and debasement then, yeah, I’m pretty much a puddle of mush in my OH’s hands. There. I said it. I’m not sure why, but it took me a fair amount of time to admit, out loud to him, that explicit language, more specifically, derogatory explicit language, turned me on in a big, big way. That I was interested in far more than the standard ‘I’m going to f*ck you’ fare (which is all well and good but doesn’t really tap into anything for me psychologically). Is it because the things I like him to say would be completely unacceptable in an everyday situation? Maybe. I know that words can induce incredibly strong reactions, even when they’re on paper. (Check out the very unscientific Talk Dirty to Me experiment I conducted with four ‘vanilla’ readers last September.) Put it this way: it was far easier for me to come out and say ‘I’d like you to hit me with a crop’ than it was to say ‘It turns me on no end when you humiliate and debase me with words’.

It doesn’t work both ways, though. I’m not a talker. I would far rather be spoken to than speak to him during an exchange (although sometimes he insists that I articulate what I am feeling or wanting because he knows that it will add to the feelings of embarrassment). But I love to listen. Oh, man, do I love to listen.

Here is the important and most crucial, point, though. I am only okay with being spoken to in the way I’ve outlined by one person, and one person only. My other half. And only in the context of a sexual or D/s exchange (although, for us, the two are so closely linked they cannot be really be separated). If he, or anyone else called me a ‘whore’ or a ‘slut’ or any of the other words I like to hear in any other situation or context, believe me, you’d see and hear the nuclear explosion all the way from the North Pole. And perhaps that is why it took so long for me to confess the desire to be spoken to in this way. Words are extremely powerful things, but I finally understand that it’s okay to let myself explore, experience and enjoy them with someone I trust to know the difference between their use during sex/play and everyday life.

The post Aural Sex appeared first on Behind the Chintz Curtain.

If you’re a regular Chintz visitor, you’ll know that I was lucky enough to win one of three Xcite-sponsored tickets to Eroticon 2013, which was held in London last weekend. The conference ran for two full days and featured what can only be described as a truly mighty line-up of speakers, all there to encourage us, whatever our medium – blog or book – to write sex right.

I was so excited to be able to attend, although I must admit I was a little nervous about walking into a crowd of people I’d never met in person before. The very lovely Emma over at Dirty Little Whispers, who I speak to a fair bit online (and who also won a sponsored ticket) thankfully agreed to meet up with me during the initial registration session so I’d be a little less ‘island in the ocean’. However, while I was waiting for her to arrive, I happened to go and stand next to a woman who was busy perusing the weekend’s schedule. We got to chatting and what do you know? Her name was Tamsin Flowers and she was the winner of the third Xcite sponsorship. So in a room full of people, we’d somehow managed to gravitate towards each other. Spooky! (Is there such a thing as Xcite vibes?)

After listening to Ruby Kiddell’s lovely welcome and Rebecca Findlay’s talk about the XES: We Can’t Go Backwards campaign (did you know that on 1 April 2013 contraception and STI services will no longer be provided by the NHS but your local council?!) I said farewell to Tamsin, and Emma and I headed off to the first of many fabulous seminars, Molly Moore’s Myth Busting: the Submissive Woman.

I’m a regular visitor to Molly’s blog, Molly’s Daily Kiss, so was really looking forward to hearing her talk in person. And oh, boy, did she ever live up to her online persona. Molly is such a dynamic, engaging speaker and I could easily have listened to her for hours. She validated so many thoughts I, personally, have about submission and what it is and isn’t, but the thing I liked best was the word graph that she shared with us as the session drew to a close. Molly had asked other submissive women to provide her with a word that they felt best described what submission, as a concept, meant to them. The biggest and boldest words indicated those that were used most frequently. And what were they? Well, I’ll give you three of the largest ones: Trust, Love and Freedom.

Molly’s session set the standard for the rest of the day and each lecture I walked into had me scribbling furiously in my notebook.

Indigo Moore’s Blogging Basics proved that my obsession with love of Pinterest isn’t such a bad thing; Hazel Cushion’s Pitching to Publishers gave me some serious food for thought regarding the rise of serials (I’ve been writing one on Chintz for over six months now; woohoo! for the first time ever, I’m on trend!); and M.K. Elliot’s Self Publishing 1 introduced me to the wonders of AutoCrit.

I can’t really end my summary of Day One, however, without talking a little bit about Remittance Girl’s Creative Writing, which was both entertaining and just all-round awesome. There’s no way I can accurately describe or recount her lecture (too much good stuff came out of her mouth) but I did manage to jot down some rather lovely quotes, which I think outline the flavour and intent of what was an extremely insightful session:

‘Push the limits’

‘Fiction is the best place to put those dark sides of ourselves’

‘The most interesting sexual experiences are the ones that aren’t structured quite right’

‘Erotica must do more than arouse – it’s not just about f*ckers.’

Her words even spawned His Holy Eroticness, @HuggyPope. (If you’re not following the robed one yet, you need to be.)

Day Two began with a truckload of coffee (I’d gotten to bed late after attending the previous night’s Aural Sex readings – thank you to Harper Eliot for organising such a great evening) and a rather large bacon sandwich. But the caffeine and grease soon did their work and before I knew it, I was back into the fray, writing down everything I could with an increasingly blunt pencil.

Tamsin and I attended the Anthologies Panel first thing (Rachel Kramer Bussel’s Yes, Sir and Please, Sir are personal favourites of mine, so I was particularly keen to hear her speak), and then it was off to Molly’s Top Ten Tips For Writing a Sex Blog. Conclusion? I really need to spend some time making Behind the Chintz Curtain easier to navigate.

Given my dysfunctional relationship with Google Analytics, I thought that Michael Knight’s SEO Love would be a great session for me to attend (it was), and it also enabled me to find out a bit more about ‘no follow’ links, which, prior to Ruby Kiddell’s closing plenary on Day One, I had no idea existed. I also learned a catchy new chant: ‘Don’t be a numbers whore!’

My favourite Sunday sessions? The last two: BDSM Tools of the Trade and Self Publishing 2: Sell eBooks and Make Money. The former had what I can categorically say is the most exciting table of items I have ever seen at a conference, and Michael and Molly’s frank and open dialogue with everyone in the audience – and amazing flogging demonstration – elevated the session from excellent to pretty damn terrific. Harper Eliot did a great job (once again!) of live tweeting it, too, so if you’d like to know more about what was covered, go on Twitter and search for the #ToolsBDSMTrade hashtag. I must admit, I may have become a bit enamoured with a little implement that popped up in Tools. Ever heard of a Misery Stick? No? Well, I now own one! And guess what? It makes me very happy!

Self Publishing 2 was a continuation of a session I’d attended on Day One, and a wonderful way to close what was an exceptional weekend. Both M.K. Elliott and Guy New York were a pleasure to listen to – Guy Skyped into the session from across the pond – and, together, they made me feel a lot less nervous about the idea of self publishing, something that I’ve been considering doing for a while now.

In short, Eroticon 2013 was everything I hoped it would be: I met some lovely, lovely people (particularly enthusiastic waving to Tamsin, Emily Rose, Heather, Molly, Emma, and Indigo) and now have about a billion thoughts and ideas buzzing around in my head. A huge and heartfelt ‘thank you’ to Hazel of Xcite Books for giving me the opportunity to attend, everyone who took the time to answer questions I had, particularly Molly, and, of course, to Ruby Kiddell for organising such a brilliant event.

The post My Eroticon: hug a pope, get happy, get published appeared first on Behind the Chintz Curtain.