Tag: Alert Me

03

Alert Me: Back from the dead, turning down publisher deals, and tasty little SexByte morsels

Hello? Anyone there?

Like Lazarus rising from the dead (although granted, in this case, the resurrection has taken a lot longer than four days), I’m finally (finally!) back on the laptop and twitching the florals. Woot! It’s been pretty damn frustrating not being able to blog and ramble as normal but I suspect it’s been far more so for those of you who’ve continued to visit Chintz over the past two-and-a-half months in the hope of finding a new post. So inappropriate hugs and kisses to everyone who’s stuck with me and offered their support as I’ve moved from one side of the world to the other; it’s been a long slog but at long last I have a reliable Internet connection and an actual house to live in. Largess.

I’ve decided to kick off my new (albeit slightly delayed) blogging year with an Alert Me. Given that I’ve been offline so much recently, it feels like there are about a billion news stories and articles that have passed me by, so in a lot of ways this round-up is as much for me as it is for you. Enjoy.

 

In Which I Explain Why I Turned Down a Three-book New York Print Deal to Self-publish
Source: Brenna Aubrey (via One Handed Writers)

At Any Price (Gaming the System)This piece by Brenna Aubrey makes for fascinating reading. If you’re a self-published or aspiring author, then I strongly encourage you to swing by her Website and cast a beady eye over it. Not least because it gives an excellent breakdown of some key contractual clauses that writers will come across when presented with book deals drawn up by traditional publishers. Pay careful attention, people, to the Non Compete clause. This is a bloody important bit of legal jargon. And can I add that any new author who has the guts and strength of character to turn down a six-figure deal in order to stay true to her own personal writing goals and aspirations has my undying admiration. On the strength of this post of Brenna’s, I’ve now downloaded the book in question, At Any Price (Gaming The System). I’ll let you know how I get on with it; stick figures may be on the horizon. Continue reading →

11

Alert Me: Judgemental judges, optimal flaccid penis length, sex and disability

In this Alert Me: the U.K. Border Agency make me embarrassed to be British, women assess flaccid penises, and what sounds like a fascinating documentary about sex and disability.

 

“Have you ever read Oscar Wilde?” asks UK immigration judge
Source: 429 Magazine

This is absolutely appalling. Apparently, U.K. judges, working in conjunction immigration officials, have actually been asking those seeking to escape persecution in their home countries for being LGBT if they’ve ‘ever read Oscar Wilde’ to determine whether their asylum claims are legitimate. And it doesn’t stop there; it appears they’ve been quizzing people on their use of sex toys and judging them on the way they look, too. Stereotyping at its worst. Read this and get cross. I certainly did.

*The Independent have also covered this debacle and you can read their take on it here.

 

Sorry lads, size really does matter
Source: Stuff.co.nz

A large penis makes you more attractive.

Yeah, I don’t actually agree with that. Or particularly like what the headline of this article implies. That’s like saying that because I have a (very) modest bust I have no hope of being attractive to the opposite sex. Frankly, I’d like to think that I have at least one or two other attributes to recommend me! I’m not saying I’m averse to ample length and girth but it seems that this size-ist conclusion was reached under very clinical conditions (as it should have been) and, whilst I’m very much a science girl, I feel that something as complex and personal as attraction will inevitably play out very differently outside of a lab. What did catch my attention, however, was the following observation about what women saw as the ‘ideal’ flaccid penis length: Continue reading →

06

Alert Me: The sex scene workout, Kink goes to Sundance, and ebook sampling

Video clips galore, reading to lose weight, and the power of the free ebook excerpt. Consider yourselves alerted.

 

Romance Novel Reader Workout III
Source: Smart Bitches Trashy Books

Read sex scenes and lose weight!

Oh dear, God, but this idea is brilliant. I came across the Romance Novel Reader Workout III post via the @SmartBitches Twitter feed and it made me grin from ear-to-ear. The premise? Every time a romance novel cliché  is mentioned, you do a specific sort of exercise. Genius. Although I was really confused about what a ‘V-up’ was. Turns out, it’s a type of stomach crunch invented by the Devil himself. Smart Bitch Sarah was kind enough to send me a clip of what one actually entailed:

 

 

Yeah, I really hope I don’t come across any penises likened to ‘velvet’, ‘silk’ or ‘steel’ in the next few books I read. My torso will be in a state of paralysis.

To date, the Smart Bitches have devised three Romance Novel Reader Workouts – you can find the previous two here and here – so you’ll have plenty of different exercises to try out as you come across virgin heroines and fruit-like nipples. Continue reading →

17

Alert Me: turning your fingers into vibrators, sexy Midlanders, and Eroticon 2013

Sexy fingers, sexy Brits, sexy writing. (Yes, this week I’m over-using sibilance in my Alert Me intro.)

 

Hello Touch May Be the Best Sex Toy Ever Invented
Source: Gizmondo

Behold. A tens machine for your hands.

I think most of us would agree that our fingers are one of the most satisfying masturbatory tools at our disposal. Something that hasn’t gone un-noticed by luxury sex toy brand Jimmyjane, who have taken the humble digit and turned it into a vibrator.

Looking at the pictures in this article, I have to say that, visually, the Hello Touch doesn’t do a lot for me (it looks a bit medical) but I do like fingers to play a significant role in sex, so I’m willing to be convinced. Continue reading →

10

Alert Me: Amazon becomes Mary Whitehouse, Fifty Shades on Broadway, and an antique sex manual

The first Alert Me for 2013 is a bit of an eclectic mix. In this edition we’ve got censorship, parody erotic musicals, and a 17th Century sex manual …

 

Amazon in the Book Banning Business
Source: Selena Kitt, The Self Publishing Revolution

Over the past month or so, a number of authors and readers I’m in contact with via various online book community groups have noticed that Amazon has begun to censor erotica texts. Yes, increasingly, the online retail giant is deciding which saucy books we can and can’t read.

Whilst Amazon’s Direct Publishing service is booming (everyone wants to be the new E.L. James) a growing number of erotica authors are finding that their books are being removed from the sale for violating ‘content guidelines’.

‘Well,’ I hear you say. ‘Stick to the guidelines and there won’t be a problem.’

If only it were that simple. Per the Amazon website: Continue reading →

20

Alert Me: ‘Fantasy man’ vibrators, BDSM Barbie, and a teacher in trouble

In this last Alert Me for 2012, we have ‘dream man’ sex toys from Smile Makers, Barbie and Ken getting their kink on in Ottawa, Canada, and a school teacher under fire for writing erotica.

 

Conceptual Sex Toys: Smile Makers
Source: Trendland.com

The Fireman. The Millionaire. The Frenchman. The Tennis Coach.

No, these aren’t the titles of books from Mills & Boon. Rather, they’re the names of the four new Smile Makers vibrators on offer from conceptual design company Ramblin’ Brands. And when I say ‘conceptual’, they really, really are. I was completely puzzled as to how you might use The Frenchman and sat looking at him for quite some time before my OH came to the rescue. (One glance and he quickly identified that he’s supposed to be used like a tongue on your outer bits. Clearly, I’m in the slow group.)

I love the idea of vibrators based on the stereotypical ‘fantasy men’ – fun, amusing and very different. Aesthetically, I think the Smile Makers designs and colourways are extremely appealing, too, and I’ll definitely be adding them to the Chintz ‘to try’ list in the near future. In the meantime, I’m going to continue amusing myself with the Smile Makers Fantasy Man Generator, a hilarious little onsite game that lets you create your dream hunk from a cast of colourful characters and share him with your friends via social media. Loads of fun. (Be sure to click on Jungle Wayne in his tiger-striped underpants.) Continue reading →

07

Alert Me: No-Sign-of-Sadomasochism – The Boardgame!, Ann Summers on TV, and printing 3D sex toys

In this week’s Alert Me: Fifty Shades consumer products go not-so-wild, Ann Summers hits our screens, and sex toys from printers.

 

Fifty Shades of a bawdy board game
Source: Evening Standard

I actually have no words. A Fifty Shades of Grey boardgame with ‘Inner Goddess Tokens’ a ‘Red Room Expansion Pack’ and a non-disclosure agreement between the players and Christian Grey (otherwise know as the ‘Receiving Party’).

As someone who spent nearly a decade protecting the integrity of a rather high-profile brand that shall remain nameless, this kind of cash-in merchandising actually makes me feel slightly ill. Worse, if Susannah Butter’s article is anything to go by, those who fork over their hard-earned cash for this thing aren’t even going to be rewarded with anything particularly titillating or racy. Sample question:

 

“Which girlfriend would buy the best present for the man who had everything?”

 

No joke, I can’t decide whether to laugh or cry. Really E.L. James? Really? Stick with Monopoly, people. I guarantee fighting over who gets to be the boot will be more fun. Continue reading →

21

Alert Me: A very sexy Santa, the Bad Sex Awards, and The Story of ‘No’

I have a very mixed Alert Me bag this week. Agent Provocateur’s fabulous new Christmas promotional video, the Bad Sex Awards shortlist, and an article by The New York Observer that’s a must-read for anyone who’s new to the BDSM scene.

 

Agent Provocateur – Secret Santa
Source: Agent Provocateur

Struggling with your Secret Santa gift? Need some inspiration? Agent Provocateur have a suggestion for you. (Just make sure you work somewhere with a well-stocked stationary cupboard and a Polaroid camera.)

 

 

Continue reading →

22

Alert Me: hilarious sex toy adverts, a big dil-don’t, and Avon’s DRM experiment

In this week’s Alert Me: YouTube funnies (NSFW), dildo use gone horribly (horribly) wrong, and a good news for Avon readers.

 

Soft Core: Why Do Sex Toy Makers Have Such Horrible Videos?
Source: http://techcrunch.com/

If you’re having a bad day, I guarantee this link will cheer you up. The title of Jordan Crook’s article is pretty self-explanatory; YouTube promo videos from various sex toy manufacturers looked over with a blunt, comedic eye.

From Vibease’s Personal Massager (for God’s sake, call it what it is, people – a vibrator!) that runs off your Android phone, to the JimmyJane Form 6 (which is waved around like a mime prop by a pair of creepy white gloves), this Tech Crunch offering made my morning. And for all those fans of air guitar, get ready to rock out with OhMiBod’s one-woman vibrator rock-concert.

On a slightly more serious note, this article touches on the growing number of Bluetooth enabled sex toys. I’ve got my eye on this trend … Continue reading →