08

An erotica blurb in pictures: Flight to Oblivion – Captain Chris Felton

As a confirmed reading addict, it should come as no surprise that I belong to a number of book-loving community groups. One of them has a particularly good ‘free books’ thread, which lists – pretty much on a daily basis – erotica titles that are being given away online by their authors or publishers. (It’s a very effective way of feeding the need to read with a view to avoiding certain bankruptcy.)

One of the outstanding contributors to this noticeboard is Becca, who does an amazing job of letting all the group members know what’s just popped up and where we can find it. And the other day, she unearthed what can only be described as the most hilarious sounding erotica ever, Flight to Oblivion by one Captain Chris Felton. Per the blurb on Amazon (and, yes, all the following typos are actually in the product description):

 

‘Kester Wylie is invited to fly on an inaugural flight for a friends new airline. Seven hours into the 4 hour flight they find things are not wuite right. Kester has to break into the planes anti hijack cockpit and try to land the jet. He alters the auto pilot settings and lowers the plane, where he crash landed it on a desert island as they were almost out of fuel. There follows a struggle with the survivors, and he befriends two females and a Japanese team of cheer leaders. He takes them under his wing and eventually they are rescued he finds that the cheerleaders and their manager are all pregnant. He discovers the plane was brought down by a sophisticated missile system. Build in Shanghai by a Chinese his tech military contractor. He gets involved in an intreaguing plot to kill him. Along the way he encounters many beautiful females whom he seduces and they end up living with him, a tale of adventure and enigma and highly charged erotic situations.’

 

Holy cr*p! Executive Decision meets Bring it On meets Castaway meets Never Say Never Again. Danger! Disaster! Steven Seagal! (Okay, maybe I’m making that last one up, but it feels like he should be in this book!) It’s an erotic mash-up of epic proportions. One that I feel requires some supplementary visual diagrams.

Yep, you guessed it. The stick figures are back with a world first: Book Blurb by Pictures. (The Amazon product description team are going to be beating down my door …) Continue reading →

07

Valentine’s Giveaway! Gorgeous, gorgeous lingerie from Madame Liberty

Every girl needs some pretty underwear. Even if no one else sees the lacy delights beneath your clothes, wearing a beautiful bra or a pair of knockout knickers just makes you feel that much more confident and sexy. (Well, it does me, anyway. Especially when, on the outside, I look as if I’ve been dragged through a bush backwards after chasing two small, devious children around.) And if you do have someone to show them off to? All the better.

So, to celebrate Valentine’s Day (it’s a week today, in case you’ve forgotten), the team over at Madame Liberty have given me a set of very sexy and beautiful lingerie from their Pleasure State range to bestow upon one lucky Behind the Chintz Curtain visitor.

And here are the two delicious pieces you could win: Continue reading →

07

Confessions Collection Vol. 1 (London Brown) – Leila DeSint

Title: Confessions Collection Vol. 1 (London Brown)
Author: Leila DeSint
Publisher: New Dawning International Bookfair (11 November 2012)
ISBN: 9781301363438
Reviewer: Michael

Confessions Collection Vol. 1 was one of those books that took me a bit longer to read than usual because I had a hard time figuring out what was going on at first.

London Brown, Caden Jacob Carrington the Fifth, Rhys Christos Edward Stowell, and Desniah Williams. From an outsider perspective, these are four of the youngest and most powerful people in British society. But the insider perspective is very different.

When Desniah is discovered as little girl, she can only say one word: London. Eventually, she’s adopted, but at the age of nine, something happens that turns her world upside down yet again.

The main thing I didn’t understand was the relationship between Desniah and London. I didn’t think they actually had one. I thought London was just the name that Desniah used when she was working as a call girl. But that isn’t true at all. Desniah and London are two entirely separate people. London is aware of everything that happens to them both but Desniah is not. In many ways, London does look out for her ‘other’ personality – but not in all ways. Continue reading →

06

Alert Me: The sex scene workout, Kink goes to Sundance, and ebook sampling

Video clips galore, reading to lose weight, and the power of the free ebook excerpt. Consider yourselves alerted.

 

Romance Novel Reader Workout III
Source: Smart Bitches Trashy Books

Read sex scenes and lose weight!

Oh dear, God, but this idea is brilliant. I came across the Romance Novel Reader Workout III post via the @SmartBitches Twitter feed and it made me grin from ear-to-ear. The premise? Every time a romance novel cliché  is mentioned, you do a specific sort of exercise. Genius. Although I was really confused about what a ‘V-up’ was. Turns out, it’s a type of stomach crunch invented by the Devil himself. Smart Bitch Sarah was kind enough to send me a clip of what one actually entailed:

 

 

Yeah, I really hope I don’t come across any penises likened to ‘velvet’, ‘silk’ or ‘steel’ in the next few books I read. My torso will be in a state of paralysis.

To date, the Smart Bitches have devised three Romance Novel Reader Workouts – you can find the previous two here and here – so you’ll have plenty of different exercises to try out as you come across virgin heroines and fruit-like nipples. Continue reading →

05

Toy with me Tuesday: The Millionaire

Some of you may have seen my post from Sunday commemorating my ex-colleague and friend, Steve, who passed away last week as a result of cancer. Needless to say, it was a very sad and emotional weekend.

But, thanks to a package that arrived at my door, I finally managed to crack a much-needed grin. Four Smile Makers fantasy man vibrators rode to my rescue, their cuteness and hilarious on-pack copy sending me into a much-needed fit of giggles. Continue reading →

04

Love in a cold climate: Pipedream Icicles No.1 Dildo

Pipedream Icicles No. 1 Dildo

What we used: Pipedream Icicles No.1 Dildo
From:  Adult Sensations
Price: From $29.96
Material(s): Pyrex glass
Reviewer: Lizzie

A few weeks ago Adult Sensations, who have e-stores that serve both Canada and the U.S. (North American Chintz visitors, take note!), were kind enough to send the very stylish Icicles No. 1 dildo to us for review. This is the first toy we’ve reviewed in the Icicles range – there are 42 different designs, last we counted – and the No. 1 is the initial design in the series.

 

First thoughts …

Lizzie
Glass is fast becoming one of my favourite sex toy materials. It’s easy to clean, can be cooled or heated, and has a firmness to it that I find really, really pleasing during use (more on the later). Needless to say, I was really looking forward to trying the Icicles No. 1 out.

I don’t normally buy ‘straight’ dildos – generally I opt for ones with a curve so that I (or Thomas) can better target my G-Spot. As such, the No. 1 was a bit of a departure from the path most trodden. I also tend to be a bit sceptical of ridged toys, often finding that the various bumps and protrusions don’t really add that much to the experience once they’re inside me. Would the spiralled ridge, which runs the length of the No. 1’s insertable shaft (which is roughly 7 inches long) be any different because of its glass construction? Continue reading →

03

A truly outstanding human being

Steve. 1981 - 2013

Image: The incomparable Steve, showing his famous zest for life. Photo courtesy of L.

On Friday evening, I heard the very sad news that my friend, Steve, had passed away after a long struggle with brain cancer.

He was 31 years old.

Through the night, as more and more people found out what had happened, tributes and photographs poured out via social media as we all tried to come to terms with his death. The messages were both joyful and heartbreaking; a celebration of his amazing and all-too-short life, but also a painful reminder that he is no longer with us.

I never knew Steve when he wasn’t affected by cancer. I had the happy pleasure of meeting him through work nearly six years ago and, to start with, had no idea he was ill. It was hard to reconcile such an active, outgoing man with someone who was dealing with a terminal illness on a day-to-day basis. Continue reading →

01

For the love of an index

Search

Image: Lupa – Julo (own work)

Since July of last year:

  • Thirty-five book reviews.
  • Fourteen Garden of Earthly Delights episodes [*please note these are no longer available on the blog].
  • Three five-minute erotica stories.
  • Twenty-eight sex toy reviews and countless other sex toy references.

As I’ve added more and more reviews and articles to Chintz, I’ve become increasingly aware that it’s more difficult for visitors to find what they want quickly. Chances are, if you’re diving into the Toy Box or Words sections, you want to know what’s in them without having to scroll through all the pages.

Behold.

Two hyperlinked lists to make your Chintz navigation life easier: the Toy Box Index and the Words Index. Continue reading →

31

Eroticon 2013

Tower Bridge, London

Image: Diliff (Own work) 

So, you may have seen my Alert Me post about the 2013 Eroticon schedule. There are some seriously good speakers on the list this year and, even though I don’t get to London very often these days, these guys really make me want to venture out from behind my floral drapes.

Who could pass up the opportunity to listen to Rachel Kramer Bussel, who puts together some of the best spanking anthologies out there? Editing erotica is something that I have a particular interest in and I’d love nothing more than to hear her speak about how she goes about pulling together her wonderful collections of red-cheeked tales. Continue reading →

30

Five-minute erotica: Table Manners

Gabel (1)

Image: Gabel – Foto von: wiktionary:de:Benutzer:acf (Own work) 

After what seems like ages, I’ve finally completed my latest ‘Five-minute erotica’ story. I started Table Manners before Christmas, but the holidays and illness kept scuppering my attempts to finish it. Initially, it featured more than two characters but I decided whilst writing that the scenario actually worked better when the third participant wasn’t exactly … present. (You’ll understand what I mean when you read it.) It’s a bit longer than usual, too (more like ‘ten-minute’ erotica, actually), but – I hope – still a quick and enjoyable bit of smut.

Let me know what you think …

Jane

PS – I know some of you are waiting for the next Garden instalment [*please note this is no longer available on the blog] and I promise that’s the very next thing on my writing list. And for those who’ve missed my previous ‘Five-minute erotica’ stories, you can find them here:

 

IMPORTANT: Please note that Table Manners is a work of fiction and contains explicit sexual content and BDSM elements, including impact play. If such material offends you or you are under the age of 18, please don’t read any further. Continue reading →