[Magic blog time-lapse technology]

Couldn’t do it? Eh, don’t sweat it. Seems they’re in pretty short supply.

I am flat-chested. And when I say ‘flat chested’, I don’t mean small hillock, gala apple, or half an orange. I mean like a blackboard. Little House on the Prairie flat. As a teenager, it used to bother me a lot. All the girls around me wore bras, filled out their tops and generally had the whole womanly shape thing going on. Me? Let’s just say there wasn’t (and still isn’t) much between me and an ironing board.

These days I’m perfectly fine with my flatness but there’s no denying that, as a society, we’re pretty damn obsessed with breasts. And, as far as the media is concerned, if you’re not sporting a pair of perfectly-shaped D cups then you might as well pack up and go home. Much to my dismay, however, it seems that the big-breasted ideal has set up shop and commenced trading in a lot of romantic and erotic fiction, too.

Over the past few years, I’ve noticed more and more authors eschewing the cookie-cutter perfect body – and quite rightly! – in favour of heroines with more realistic body shapes and sizes but, invariably, they seem to draw the line at women with non-existent breasts. It’s okay to have relatable heroines with flaws, it seems, as long as you can make up for the latter with a great rack. In fact, I can only think of one book off the top of my head that specifically calls attention to the leading lady’s small boobs and that’s Rachel Gibson’s See Jane Score (incidentally, one of my favourite mainstream romances). Oh, and Beth from Cherise Sinclair’s Breaking Free (although she doesn’t seem to be quite as flat as Jane).

Interweb and Amazon searches for ‘heroines with small breasts’ aren’t particularly helpful in turning up ladies with more economical assets either, although this thread and this one have a good bash at it. I wonder, is a small chest really that difficult to write about? Are they that difficult to view as beautiful and sexual? Not always, it seems. Tamsin Flowers, God bless her, recently told me she was writing a short (not yet published) titled Cherries on Top which specifically focuses on an erotic encounter with a woman who is a little challenged in the chest department – and was even kind enough to send me a wee teaser:

‘They used to sing it to me in the schoolyard; you know, the old taunt, “Flat as a pancake with cherries on top!” Over and over again.  So I was flat chested?  So the fuck what!  And as for cherries on top? Some girls were lucky; I was looking down on two tiny nubs that were closer in size to a pair of red currants. I hated the other girls for it but at least back then I thought there was still a chance I might grow a pair. I would sit through lessons with my pencil case stuffed up my T-shirt, resting it on crossed arms and hoping it would somehow morph into an actual part of me.’

Tamsin, can I just say I can’t wait to read this rest of this. It gladdens my little heart that you’ve written it.

So ladies and gents: am I alone here? Do you want to read an erotica or romances that feature heroines who are a little lacking in the chest department? Have you read a good one that you could tell me about? Or is there, perhaps, another ‘non ideal’ body type or part that you’d like to see appearing more frequently in the books you read?

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If you’re a regular Chintz visitor, you’ll know that I was lucky enough to win one of three Xcite-sponsored tickets to Eroticon 2013, which was held in London last weekend. The conference ran for two full days and featured what can only be described as a truly mighty line-up of speakers, all there to encourage us, whatever our medium – blog or book – to write sex right.

I was so excited to be able to attend, although I must admit I was a little nervous about walking into a crowd of people I’d never met in person before. The very lovely Emma over at Dirty Little Whispers, who I speak to a fair bit online (and who also won a sponsored ticket) thankfully agreed to meet up with me during the initial registration session so I’d be a little less ‘island in the ocean’. However, while I was waiting for her to arrive, I happened to go and stand next to a woman who was busy perusing the weekend’s schedule. We got to chatting and what do you know? Her name was Tamsin Flowers and she was the winner of the third Xcite sponsorship. So in a room full of people, we’d somehow managed to gravitate towards each other. Spooky! (Is there such a thing as Xcite vibes?)

After listening to Ruby Kiddell’s lovely welcome and Rebecca Findlay’s talk about the XES: We Can’t Go Backwards campaign (did you know that on 1 April 2013 contraception and STI services will no longer be provided by the NHS but your local council?!) I said farewell to Tamsin, and Emma and I headed off to the first of many fabulous seminars, Molly Moore’s Myth Busting: the Submissive Woman.

I’m a regular visitor to Molly’s blog, Molly’s Daily Kiss, so was really looking forward to hearing her talk in person. And oh, boy, did she ever live up to her online persona. Molly is such a dynamic, engaging speaker and I could easily have listened to her for hours. She validated so many thoughts I, personally, have about submission and what it is and isn’t, but the thing I liked best was the word graph that she shared with us as the session drew to a close. Molly had asked other submissive women to provide her with a word that they felt best described what submission, as a concept, meant to them. The biggest and boldest words indicated those that were used most frequently. And what were they? Well, I’ll give you three of the largest ones: Trust, Love and Freedom.

Molly’s session set the standard for the rest of the day and each lecture I walked into had me scribbling furiously in my notebook.

Indigo Moore’s Blogging Basics proved that my obsession with love of Pinterest isn’t such a bad thing; Hazel Cushion’s Pitching to Publishers gave me some serious food for thought regarding the rise of serials (I’ve been writing one on Chintz for over six months now; woohoo! for the first time ever, I’m on trend!); and M.K. Elliot’s Self Publishing 1 introduced me to the wonders of AutoCrit.

I can’t really end my summary of Day One, however, without talking a little bit about Remittance Girl’s Creative Writing, which was both entertaining and just all-round awesome. There’s no way I can accurately describe or recount her lecture (too much good stuff came out of her mouth) but I did manage to jot down some rather lovely quotes, which I think outline the flavour and intent of what was an extremely insightful session:

‘Push the limits’

‘Fiction is the best place to put those dark sides of ourselves’

‘The most interesting sexual experiences are the ones that aren’t structured quite right’

‘Erotica must do more than arouse – it’s not just about f*ckers.’

Her words even spawned His Holy Eroticness, @HuggyPope. (If you’re not following the robed one yet, you need to be.)

Day Two began with a truckload of coffee (I’d gotten to bed late after attending the previous night’s Aural Sex readings – thank you to Harper Eliot for organising such a great evening) and a rather large bacon sandwich. But the caffeine and grease soon did their work and before I knew it, I was back into the fray, writing down everything I could with an increasingly blunt pencil.

Tamsin and I attended the Anthologies Panel first thing (Rachel Kramer Bussel’s Yes, Sir and Please, Sir are personal favourites of mine, so I was particularly keen to hear her speak), and then it was off to Molly’s Top Ten Tips For Writing a Sex Blog. Conclusion? I really need to spend some time making Behind the Chintz Curtain easier to navigate.

Given my dysfunctional relationship with Google Analytics, I thought that Michael Knight’s SEO Love would be a great session for me to attend (it was), and it also enabled me to find out a bit more about ‘no follow’ links, which, prior to Ruby Kiddell’s closing plenary on Day One, I had no idea existed. I also learned a catchy new chant: ‘Don’t be a numbers whore!’

My favourite Sunday sessions? The last two: BDSM Tools of the Trade and Self Publishing 2: Sell eBooks and Make Money. The former had what I can categorically say is the most exciting table of items I have ever seen at a conference, and Michael and Molly’s frank and open dialogue with everyone in the audience – and amazing flogging demonstration – elevated the session from excellent to pretty damn terrific. Harper Eliot did a great job (once again!) of live tweeting it, too, so if you’d like to know more about what was covered, go on Twitter and search for the #ToolsBDSMTrade hashtag. I must admit, I may have become a bit enamoured with a little implement that popped up in Tools. Ever heard of a Misery Stick? No? Well, I now own one! And guess what? It makes me very happy!

Self Publishing 2 was a continuation of a session I’d attended on Day One, and a wonderful way to close what was an exceptional weekend. Both M.K. Elliott and Guy New York were a pleasure to listen to – Guy Skyped into the session from across the pond – and, together, they made me feel a lot less nervous about the idea of self publishing, something that I’ve been considering doing for a while now.

In short, Eroticon 2013 was everything I hoped it would be: I met some lovely, lovely people (particularly enthusiastic waving to Tamsin, Emily Rose, Heather, Molly, Emma, and Indigo) and now have about a billion thoughts and ideas buzzing around in my head. A huge and heartfelt ‘thank you’ to Hazel of Xcite Books for giving me the opportunity to attend, everyone who took the time to answer questions I had, particularly Molly, and, of course, to Ruby Kiddell for organising such a brilliant event.

The post My Eroticon: hug a pope, get happy, get published appeared first on Behind the Chintz Curtain.