Decisions, decisions …

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Anyone?

Foil-encased condoms always remind me of After Eight chocolates (or fancy herbal teabags) and these Mates Skyns in particular, with their dark backgrounds and gold lettering, are remarkably similar to this iconic Seventies dinner-party staple. You could very easily slip some into a box and offer them round to your guests after pudding … You know, just to keep the conversation interesting … (Hey, Lizzie’s oral sex mints came out in this context and it certainly created some chatter!)

Anyway, now I’ve got to work out what to do with all these beasties post-pic as I’m not exactly a massive fan of sweet things (cheese all the way). I didn’t think this one out very well, did I? The condoms? Oh, don’t worry – they will definitely get used.

Who else is playing Toy with me Tuesday this week? Click here to find out.

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What we used:

Custom-fitted suits? Pfft. So last year. You can now buy condoms tailored to the length and width of your penis. Thomas gets the opportunity to try out TheyFit’s unique ‘sized service’.

First thoughts …

Thomas
I have to admit that when Jane got in touch about trialling custom-fitted condoms, my first thought was ‘are they going to send someone round?’. I had visions of a seedy individual arriving on my doorstep with a tape measure and some chalk (or perhaps a roll of Clingfilm). Disturbing.

But as it turns out, there’s no bloke in a raincoat. You simply go to the TheyFit website (www.theyfit.com), print out a template, and use it to measure the width and girth of your todger. Armed with your vital statistics, you then submit your size code via TheyFit’s online ordering service and they send you one of 95 sizes, ranging from modest to bloody humungous (my words, not theirs). I’m intrigued …

‘The Fitting’ …

Thomas
This involves measuring your erect penis with a printed-out measurement template called a ‘FitKit®’, which is marked with non-sequential letters and random numbers. (The idea is that no one can tell your actual size from the various combinations.) The letters represent your length and the numbers your girth. Lizzie helpfully volunteered her services for the measuring task – ‘always a please never a chore’ – and much hilarity and arguments over measurement locations and final sizes ensued. Lizzie also got a lot of mileage from wandering around the house with the FitKit® and using it to measure various random items – glasses, bananas, vases, you name it. (I can only assume she plans to order them fitted condoms as well, which is extremely worrying …)

The packaging …

Thomas
The condoms arrived quickly in a discrete brown paper postbag. (They come in packs of six, but you can order larger additional packs at a reduction of the single pack price of £6.99 if you want to.) The foil sachets are contained within a relatively slim cardboard wallet, which is a lot less bulky than the traditional condom box and therefore much easier to stow away. It’s slim enough to slide into the back pocket of your jeans, as you can see from the adjacent pic. The packaging is distinctive with a row of guys emphasising the ‘a size for everyone’ message, although I should point out that one of the men on the front is actually a woman (she has boobs, not moobs). I am not quite sure how the sizing works for her or if she is supposed to be shagging the smorgasbord of men flanking her. Maybe she is just condom-curious? Who can say?

Using it …

Thomas
After the usual preliminaries, it was time to try my custom-fitted condoms out. I had two sizes at my disposal: one the correct size and one the next size up to allow for ‘adjustments’. My first issue (and this applies to virtually all condoms and is not specific to TheyFit) is that the foil sachets are a right bastard to open when you have lube (or any other fluid) on your fingers, it’s dark (it nearly always is) and you’re in a hurry (at this point most men aren’t dawdling). I have a pipedream that someday someone will invent a condom that’s able to jump unbidden from its packet into your hand and then perform a supernatural form of plastic origami so you can just slide it on with a single easy action. In my mind I am thinking of one of those funny little self-erecting tents but without the garish colours or the zips (or if fact any tent paraphernalia).

At any rate, once I got the condom on and was ‘on the job’ the result was … okay. The fit was good – everything was covered and the condom felt comfortable) but, to be honest, I have never found non-custom condoms to be too big or too small. (Although having said that the standard ‘off the shelf’ sizes don’t always roll to the base of my penis as they’re supposed to.) Most of the problems or performance issues I’ve encountered with condoms have stemmed from too little lube, too much alcohol, too much frustration getting the damn things on, or a combination of all three.

The other thing is that Lizzie and I have been using polyurethane condoms for the last few years (see my last condom review) and, quite frankly, these are streets ahead of latex condoms in terms of feel, heat transmission, etc., so the benefits of the perfect fit, for me, were overshadowed by the reduction in sensation that latex creates.

In summary

Thomas
A great idea that has a lot of merit. The online service takes away the embarrassment of buying condoms in person if you’re on the shier side and measuring yourself means you get a decent fit – and can therefore reduce the risk of STIs and pregnancy. The randomised size codes are good, too, as they take away the stigma of buying a ‘small’ or ‘extra large’. As it stands, I think TheyFit condoms are outstanding for those amongst us who perhaps have to make do with a little less and find standard condoms too spacious and, similarly, those who are veritable human tripods and find a standard condom just can’t contain their bounty. (When Lizzie was examining – read playing – with the FitKit® measuring thingy she did exclaim that the largest condom’s length and girth was, quote, ‘f**king enormous’.) For someone who has made the switch from latex to polyurethane such as myself, though, TheyFit condoms are a little off the mark. A TheyFit straight-walled polyurethane condom? Now that would really be something. (Hint.)

Things I liked:

• Good fit. You get a condom that actually covers you properly without looseness or tightness.
• Quick delivery. Standard orders are delivered by First Class post in the U.K.

Things I wasn’t so keen on:

• The latex. Latex condoms are not as good at conveying ‘feel’ as the polyurethane types, and it also rules them out for those who suffer from latex allergies.

Tickle your fancy? Click here to buy condoms from TheyFit.

*Please note that these condoms were provided free of charge by TheyFit in exchange for a fair review.

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