Decisions, decisions …

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What we used:

Custom-fitted suits? Pfft. So last year. You can now buy condoms tailored to the length and width of your penis. Thomas gets the opportunity to try out TheyFit’s unique ‘sized service’.

First thoughts …

Thomas
I have to admit that when Jane got in touch about trialling custom-fitted condoms, my first thought was ‘are they going to send someone round?’. I had visions of a seedy individual arriving on my doorstep with a tape measure and some chalk (or perhaps a roll of Clingfilm). Disturbing.

But as it turns out, there’s no bloke in a raincoat. You simply go to the TheyFit website (www.theyfit.com), print out a template, and use it to measure the width and girth of your todger. Armed with your vital statistics, you then submit your size code via TheyFit’s online ordering service and they send you one of 95 sizes, ranging from modest to bloody humungous (my words, not theirs). I’m intrigued …

‘The Fitting’ …

Thomas
This involves measuring your erect penis with a printed-out measurement template called a ‘FitKit®’, which is marked with non-sequential letters and random numbers. (The idea is that no one can tell your actual size from the various combinations.) The letters represent your length and the numbers your girth. Lizzie helpfully volunteered her services for the measuring task – ‘always a please never a chore’ – and much hilarity and arguments over measurement locations and final sizes ensued. Lizzie also got a lot of mileage from wandering around the house with the FitKit® and using it to measure various random items – glasses, bananas, vases, you name it. (I can only assume she plans to order them fitted condoms as well, which is extremely worrying …)

The packaging …

Thomas
The condoms arrived quickly in a discrete brown paper postbag. (They come in packs of six, but you can order larger additional packs at a reduction of the single pack price of £6.99 if you want to.) The foil sachets are contained within a relatively slim cardboard wallet, which is a lot less bulky than the traditional condom box and therefore much easier to stow away. It’s slim enough to slide into the back pocket of your jeans, as you can see from the adjacent pic. The packaging is distinctive with a row of guys emphasising the ‘a size for everyone’ message, although I should point out that one of the men on the front is actually a woman (she has boobs, not moobs). I am not quite sure how the sizing works for her or if she is supposed to be shagging the smorgasbord of men flanking her. Maybe she is just condom-curious? Who can say?

Using it …

Thomas
After the usual preliminaries, it was time to try my custom-fitted condoms out. I had two sizes at my disposal: one the correct size and one the next size up to allow for ‘adjustments’. My first issue (and this applies to virtually all condoms and is not specific to TheyFit) is that the foil sachets are a right bastard to open when you have lube (or any other fluid) on your fingers, it’s dark (it nearly always is) and you’re in a hurry (at this point most men aren’t dawdling). I have a pipedream that someday someone will invent a condom that’s able to jump unbidden from its packet into your hand and then perform a supernatural form of plastic origami so you can just slide it on with a single easy action. In my mind I am thinking of one of those funny little self-erecting tents but without the garish colours or the zips (or if fact any tent paraphernalia).

At any rate, once I got the condom on and was ‘on the job’ the result was … okay. The fit was good – everything was covered and the condom felt comfortable) but, to be honest, I have never found non-custom condoms to be too big or too small. (Although having said that the standard ‘off the shelf’ sizes don’t always roll to the base of my penis as they’re supposed to.) Most of the problems or performance issues I’ve encountered with condoms have stemmed from too little lube, too much alcohol, too much frustration getting the damn things on, or a combination of all three.

The other thing is that Lizzie and I have been using polyurethane condoms for the last few years (see my last condom review) and, quite frankly, these are streets ahead of latex condoms in terms of feel, heat transmission, etc., so the benefits of the perfect fit, for me, were overshadowed by the reduction in sensation that latex creates.

In summary

Thomas
A great idea that has a lot of merit. The online service takes away the embarrassment of buying condoms in person if you’re on the shier side and measuring yourself means you get a decent fit – and can therefore reduce the risk of STIs and pregnancy. The randomised size codes are good, too, as they take away the stigma of buying a ‘small’ or ‘extra large’. As it stands, I think TheyFit condoms are outstanding for those amongst us who perhaps have to make do with a little less and find standard condoms too spacious and, similarly, those who are veritable human tripods and find a standard condom just can’t contain their bounty. (When Lizzie was examining – read playing – with the FitKit® measuring thingy she did exclaim that the largest condom’s length and girth was, quote, ‘f**king enormous’.) For someone who has made the switch from latex to polyurethane such as myself, though, TheyFit condoms are a little off the mark. A TheyFit straight-walled polyurethane condom? Now that would really be something. (Hint.)

Things I liked:

• Good fit. You get a condom that actually covers you properly without looseness or tightness.
• Quick delivery. Standard orders are delivered by First Class post in the U.K.

Things I wasn’t so keen on:

• The latex. Latex condoms are not as good at conveying ‘feel’ as the polyurethane types, and it also rules them out for those who suffer from latex allergies.

Tickle your fancy? Click here to buy condoms from TheyFit.

*Please note that these condoms were provided free of charge by TheyFit in exchange for a fair review.

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What we used:

At nearly £2.00 per condom, are Durex’s new Deluxe condoms all they’re cracked up to be? Thomas gives us his verdict.

First thoughts …

Thomas
I’ll be totally honest. Condoms are not my favourite sexual aid by a long shot. They fall into the category of ‘necessary evil’ but as STIs are with us for the foreseeable future, they are the best barriers to infection. As a rule, I always take the words ‘Ultimate’, ‘Ultra’, ‘Super’, and ‘Ultra-mega-f**king-amazing’, etc., with a large (large) pinch of salt when I see them applied to condoms. That fact is they all involve sticking a plastic bag over your willy, which is not terribly erotic, and they certainly don’t heighten any sensations, despite what some ribbed brands may say.

The packaging …

Thomas
A bit of a let down really. A silver cardboard box that opens on the side not the top (wow) and has ‘Deluxe’ written on it in large letters (so you know you’re about to part with a chunk of cash). The condoms are billed as ‘micro fine’ (that means thin) and ‘crystal clear’. I have no idea why the latter is important: I have never considered one of the prime features of a condom to be the ability to see my penis through it.

The actual wrapping of the condoms themselves is the main surprise; their ‘designer cases’ are disturbingly like the little tubs you get butter in when you have breakfast at a cheap hotel. I am not sure what to make of this – maybe Durex have been watching too much Last Tango in Paris and this is some kind of in-joke in their marketing department (don’t get them mixed up – either way it could lead to all types of embarrassment). At over a pound each I was hoping for the ‘designer’ case to be constructed from hand-tooled leather, but that was bit optimistic.

The up side, though, is that the I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter containers are easy to open when you’re fumbling around in the dark with lube on your hands. Trying to get a grip on regular condom packets so you can tear them open can be damn near impossible and resorting to using your teeth, etc., is both unpleasant and potentially disastrous nine months later should you happen to take a bite out of the condom as well. The Durex Deluxe cases are also way more sturdy than the foil sachets most condoms come in, too, and should last a whole lot better as well. (The rage you feel when you find your very last one at the bottom of your bedside cabinet and it fails when you open it is hard to put into words.)

Putting them on …

Thomas
Once out of the wrapper they’re bloody stiff little buggers. The ring at the top of the condom is incredibly inflexible and getting it on requires more force than you would think possible to roll a bit of plastic down your shaft, especially to start with. If you’re built like Dirk Diggler I’m not sure you’d actually be able to get these on. There’s a bit of give, but not much. When they’re actually in position, though, all is well and the tightness isn’t an issue.

What they feel like ‘in use’ …

Thomas
Like a very, very thin plastic bag on your willy. Yes, they do feel better than other condoms I’ve tried and I would rate them the best I have used in terms of ‘vaginal feel’ but let’s be honest: you are still putting a plastic bag on your penis. Don’t expect miracles.

Any downsides?

Thomas
Possible butter confusion? They are really hard to roll on but with practise I’m sure this could be overcome, so long as you’re not endowed with a mammoth apendage.

The verdict?

Thomas
Although Durex Deluxe condoms aren’t easy to use, I’ll continue to buy them in the future. They do cost quite a bit but, hey, I can feel more through them and every little bit helps.

In summary

Things I like:

• Easy-open case. Reduces fumbling and frustration;
• Very thin with good ‘internal sensation transmission performance’;
• Suitable for people with latex allergies as they’re made from polyurethane.

Things I’m not so keen on:

• They’re really hard to get on. I’ve had a lot of practise and even I found these difficult;
• Likely to be a problem for those with very large firemen. (Lizzie tells me I’m slightly above average, bless her, and I did manage but there was a fair amount of force involved.)
• Condiment-style packaging;
• The cost.

Tickle your fancy? You can buy Durex Deluxe condoms from Sainsbury’s and Boots.

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