I’ll rephrase that. Anal sex on horseback – is it possible while escaping men with guns, not falling off said steed and/or giving yourself a serious rectal injury?
Let me assure you, this is no idle thought. I’ve recently been reading Sarah McCarty’s erotic romance Sam’s Creed, and have spent waaaay too much time trying to get my head around the logistics of the sexquestrianism described in this book.
Yes, yes, I know it’s an erotic romance and therefore a work of fantasy, but when you actually have to stop mid-sentence and draw a diagram to help you work out what the hell the characters are doing to each other, then you know you’ve got issues. (Well, either I do or the book does – I can’t quite decide which.)
Picture the scene. It’s 1858. Ranger Sam MacGregor and Hispanic beauty Isabella Montoya are tearing across the wilds of Texas, dodging ambushes and loads of bad guys with six guns. They’ve only got one horse (Sam’s trusty cayuse, Breeze) so are riding double – and, inevitably, all the rubbing against each other gets to be a bit too much.
Cue first incidence of equine acrobatics: fellatio on horseback.
‘“There could be an ambush set just over the next hill.”’
(Perfect time for a bit of oral pleasure, then.)
‘He turned in the saddle, maintaining his grip on her hand, forcing her to lean around.
“Do you want to really pleasure me, Duchess?”’
(Well, men with guns are likely to jump out at us any second, but sure!)
‘She worked her way over. The back of the saddle cut into her hip and she was stretched too far.’
(Uh, what? You’re leaning forwards. Around a torso. If your hip is digging into the rear of the saddle, where on earth are your legs?’)
‘Breeze stumbled.’
(Does Isabella fall off? No way. This mishap turns her into Linda Lovelace.)
So after this very bendy blow job, they stop, make a fire, have some regular sex on nice, solid ground, and repel an ambush before mounting up again. After coming out on the winning end of the scuffle with the evil dudes, they now have additional (skittish) horses and are towing an injured dog on a pallet. Clearly, this is an excellent, excellent time to engage in some anal sex.
‘He hopped back onto the horse’s flank. Before she could realise what he was up to, he hooked his arm around her waist and pulled her sideways onto the saddle.’
(Uh, where the heck are you sitting, Sam? Are your manly bits not being crushed by the saddle cantle? I’m kind of surprised you’re still on the horse, to be honest. Most don’t take kindly to having anything near their flanks.)
‘“I want you, Bella.”
“Right now?”
“Yeah.”
She looked intrigued. “How is this done?”’
(Yes, Sam. How is this done?!)
‘He eased her a little more to the right. “Swing your leg over.”
Startled, she glanced at him. “This is possible?”
(Yep. Riding astride a horse is actually feasible. You’ve been doing it for the last few chapters. To be honest, though, Isabella, I think you would have been better to have asked this question last night before trying to fellate your man like an acrobat from Cirque du Soleil. And Sam? For the love of God, why are you trying to do this front-to-front? I think the level of difficulty is quite high enough at this point. It’s not the bloody Olympics.)
‘“Pull your skirt out of the way.” …. “Nice and easy, sweet,” he warned as she jerked about. “We don’t want to spook the horses.”’
(I think they’ve seen it all at this point.)
‘His hands curved around her buttocks. His fingers dipped into the deep crease between, pulling the firm globes apart …’
(Cue backdoor action and orgasms galore. No mention of accidental incidents with the saddle horn that’s no doubt poking into Isabella’s buttocks. In case you’re wondering, she’s never done it this way before, they don’t use any lube (other than bodily fluids) and it’s all unbelievably terrific.)
In fairness, Sam’s Creed was actually pretty well written; the story was quite exciting and the sex rather hot. Unfortunately, the suspense and tension was ruined for me by all the drawing I had to do to work out what the heck was going on sexually. And now I’m wondering what on earth the characters are going to have to do to keep things exciting in the next Hell’s Eight book. Shagging on a horse is pretty hard to top …
NB: If all this horsing around has you intrigued, you can buy your very own copy of Sam’s Creed by clicking on the following links:
Amazon.co.uk
Amazon.com
I am going to start a campaign to get you to include instructional artwork with your reviews from now on. They made the story so much clearer.
Ha, ha! I think we might have serious problems if I need to draw any sort of shibari sequence