‘Reader, I buggered him.’
Talk about an alternative ending to a classic. I never imagined Jane Eyre as a Domme, but now I can’t stop thinking about her pegging Mr Rochester.
It isn’t easy to write a good parody; limp jokes and tawdry puns abound – and many are about as entertaining as watching cement set – but in this post-Fifty Shades world, they’re being churned out left, right and centre as people try to cash in on the badly-written-BDSM-erotica revolution. Standing tall amidst the forest of downloadable dross, however, are three works of comedy that are absolute masterclasses in how to take the mick out of awful prose. Shenanigans with Thousand Island dressing, rimming the Black Gate of Mordor, and romantic nights at the Holiday Inn: will Fifty Sheds of Grey, Fifty Shelves of Grey and Fifty Shames of Earl Grey please stand up?
I don’t normally review books in tandem but in this case, the fictitious authors of these publications – C.T. Grey, Vanessa Parody, and Fanny Merkin – were all inspired by the Chaucer of our time, E.L. James’, so, thematically, they sit rather nicely together.
Title: Fifty Sheds of Grey
Author: C.T. Grey
Publisher: Boxtree (13 September 2012)
ISBN: 978-0752265452
You may have seen my mention of the release of Fifty Sheds of Grey in last week’s link round-up, but for those who aren’t aware, this book is the result of the wildly successful @50ShedsofGrey Twitter account, which popped up few months back. Described as ‘erotica for the not-too-modern male’, Fifty Sheds of Grey is DIY-inspired innuendo at its best. Not surprisingly, C.T. Grey’s shed plays the staring role in his tools and hardware sexual fantasy-land and I doubt, after reading his 140-characters-or-less gems, you’ll ever look at a mower or sprinkler the same way again.
‘I do have one fetish,’ I admitted, ‘MILFs … Mowers I’d Like to Fix.’
Yes, you could absolutely go on Twitter and scroll through the various 50Sheds tweets and but by doing so you’ll miss out on the high-quality shed-porn on offer (read: pictures of garden sheds) and the alternative interpretations of iconic pieces of literature – such as Lady Chatterley’s Lover and Shakespeare’s Sonnet 18 – which are interspersed between the wonderful social media pearls.
‘Shall I compare thee to a summer-house?
Thou art more homely and more intimate.
Rough women do shake my darling shed of grey,
But summarily spurn a second date.’
A note of caution – a lot of the jokes in here are very British in tone and content, so this one may be funnier for those in the U.K. (There was a hilarious @50ShedsofGrey tweet that went out a few days ago concerning Marmite and it caused great confusion amongst those unfamiliar with this breakfast spread’s inky charms.)
Fifty Sheds of Grey is available from Amazon.co.uk (Kindle ; Hardback) and Amazon.com (Kindle ; Paperback).
Title: Fifty Shelves of Grey
Author: Vanessa Parody
Publisher: Constable (09 August 2012)
ISBN: 978-1472102386
Fifty Shelves of Grey is a slightly different proposition to Fifty Sheds, although, like C.T. Grey, Ms Parody has taken at least some of her inspiration from the classics. Per the cover: ‘A Selection of Great Books Erotically Remastered’, but I must confess that I was strongly disposed to like this book before I even got to the erotic tinkering because of the outstanding John Waters quote that features in the prelim pages:
‘If you go home with somebody, and they don’t have books, don’t fuck ’em’
If ever a quote was true …
Fifty Shelves has something for everyone. From Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre (from which the very first quote in this post is taken) to Leo Tolstoy’s War and Peace, Herman Melville’s Moby-Dick to Ovid’s The Art of Love, these erotic re-imaginings are punchy, and gut-wrenchingly funny. Even better, they’re distilled right down – the majority of the pieces clock in at one to two pages – so they’re wonderfully digestible. The stand-outs for me? The Lord of the Rings (‘Gimlit talked loudly about ‘preparing to rim the Black Gate of Mordor’), Fight Club (The first rule about fuck club is that you don’t talk about fuck club’), and The Highway Code (‘If an orgasm is oncoming, please pull into the left ‘slow’ lane’), with an honourable mention going to the Boden Catalogue. (For once, I didn’t feel physically ill reading mini-stories about over-priced, mass-produced clothing.)
‘Vintage-look linen sundress, £89
We love the ruffled shoulder straps on this gorgeous knee-length swingy dress. Equally perfect for sunny country strolls and for being pushed up around your waist as you are taken vigorously from behind by a farmer, yokel or rural milkman.’
Fifty Shelves of Grey is available from Amazon.co.uk (Kindle ; Hardback) and Amazon.com (Kindle).
Title: Fifty Shames of Earl Grey
Author: Fanny Merkin
Publisher: JR Books Ltd (31 July 2012)
ISBN: 978-1907532504
Last, but certainly not least, is the bergamot man himself, Earl Grey. Fifty Shames of Earl Grey is, in terms of content, the most closely aligned with E.L. James’ Fifty Shades of Grey, but make no mistake: Fanny Merkin (a.k.a. Andrew Shaffer) slices the original text apart with a wickedly sharp satirical sword, chopping the protagonists into little pieces and re-assembling both them – and the plot – in a tableau of delicious ridiculousness. Further, in addition to firmly elbowing its inspiration’s characters, dialogue and general content, Fifty Shames has a bit of a chortle at Fifty Shades’ Twilight fan-fic origins:
‘I open my eyes and stare down at Mr. Grey and HOLY MOTHER EFFING SPARKLY VAMPIRES IS HE HOT.’
.
.
.
‘“Miss Kraven,” the handsome CEO says, extending a long-fingered hand to me to assist me off his desk. I’d expected him to be British, but there’s no trace of an English accent in his voice. “I’m Edward Cullen. I mean, ‘Earl Grey.’ Have a seat?”’
I had a great time reading passages of this book aloud with a friend of mine – we took turns between fits of laughter – and whether you loved or hated the original, this is an incredibly fun read that will leave you with a smile on your face – private Hawaiian dinosaur parks, Dorm Rooms of Doom, white doves out of vaginas, and all.
Fifty Shames of Earl Grey is available from Amazon.co.uk (Kindle ; Paperback) and Amazon.com (Kindle ; Paperback).
